Capello Optimistic As England Draw Narnia

FABIO Capello was in buoyant mood last night after England were drawn against the mythical land of Narnia in the 2012 European qualifiers.

The national coach said he was 'quietly confident' after drawing the snow-covered, wardrobe-based nation, as well as Vatican City, an unmanned sea fort off the Hebrides, The Land Of 1,000 Dances, and Wales.

England will especially relish the opportunity of overturning the 3-1 defeat suffered at the hands of the Hebridean fort back in 1995, but will face the team containing Bony Maronie, Long Tall Sally and The Watusi for the first time.

Capello said: "Narnia do offer some threat, what with the enormous talking lion up front who also happens to be Jesus.

"But their weakness is their continued insistence on having Mr Tumnus in goal, trying to clear the ball with those tiny hooves. Then again, he is better than Scott Carson."

He added: "And of course playing a land full of fairies and elves with no motor cars or electricity is perfect preparation for the match in Cardiff."

Scotland manager Craig Levein was less optimistic after his side were drawn against reigning champions Spain. He said: "If we had to play children's TV characters I'm pretty sure England would get Iggle Piggle and we'd get Optimus Prime in a fucking Brazil shirt."

Meanwhile, the new England captain Rio Ferdinand has been sent on an intensive six-week course to help him identify the difference between heads and tails.

But as Ferdinand left for coin school it emerged he would no longer be available for interviews after paying himself £800,000 not to talk to the media.

His spokesman said: "We have tried explaining to him that paying people hush money is not an obligatory part of the England captain's job, but he just keeps saying he wants to lead by example."


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Tea Party Ends With Traditional Throwing Of The Faeces

THE American Tea Party movement closed its convention yesterday with a traditional throwing of freshly deposited faeces.

Curious onlookers watched as the creatures, many of them dressed in human clothes, sat at a neatly prepared table and attempted to pour each other cups of water and share a plate of biscuits.

Mother-of-two Helen Archer said: "At first they looked like little hairy people enjoying some nice afternoon tea.

"But soon they were knocking over the cups and banging the teapot on the table. Then they abandoned the tea set altogether and started throwing big handfuls of faeces at each other. The children absolutely loved it."

Earlier the convention had given a rapturous welcome to the former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin as she was led slowly onto the stage wearing a child's dress and a pair of high heels.

The frenzied crowd performed somersaults as Mrs Palin screeched loudly and stuck her tongue out as far as it would go, before shoving her index finger into her anus and then licking it.

The event had been opened on Friday with a controversial speech by former congressman Tom Tancredo who made it clear that he was very angry about something, possibly the tightness of his nappy or the absence of readily available plums.

Zoologist Tom Logan said: "They are fascinating creatures and I love to watch them interact with each other and attempt to understand what it is they're trying to say.

"But you have to remember that they are just animals who sit around all day picking nits out of each other's hair and would fuck their own sisters at the drop of a hat."