Capello sends Owen highlights DVD

FABIO Capello has responded to Michael Owen questioning his exile from
the England squad by burning him a DVD of the last five years of his career.

The England manager has provided a commentary pointing out all the times Owen can be seen sitting on the bench playing with his phone.

He has also added a blooper reel of the alleged striker warming up on the touchline during a match before returning to his world class seat for the rest of it.

Capello said: “I understand Michael’s frustration but there are many factors in the selection process and somebody being a jumped-up little tit can sometimes be a deal-breaker.

“Admittedly this hasn’t hampered Terry, Rooney, Gerrard and at least 15 others but then they haven’t produced a 34-page brochure about themselves as if they were a new Audi.

“We simply have somebody ahead of him in the pecking order in every department – Heskey is better at not scoring goals, Carrick is better at being permanently injured and Joe Cole is better at strutting around like a deluded ponce.”

Copies of the Owen DVD will be available to buy next week, with retailers warning that the disc will initially play brilliantly but start to break down on a regular basis and will cost an absolute fortune, despite the fact consumers will probably only play it a couple of times a year.

Owen is said to be disappointed by Capello’s response, a reaction which has unfortunately torn his left anterior disappointment cartilage.



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Brown dress fails to make it all better

THOUSANDS of women who bought a light brown dress have found that they are still not princesses.

The £175 dress, which features a bandage-style design but is nicer than it sounds, has been hugely popular among women tormented by a desperate, media-fuelled sense of their own inferiority and had hoped it would magically transform them into someone better.

Sales co-ordinator Nikki Hollis said: “When I saw the dress in Modern Self-Hating Woman magazine next to an article about how sticking ice cubes up men’s bums makes them want to marry you, I thought this is it. This is going to be the thing that finally makes everyone think I’m amazing, or at least bearable.

“But when it arrived today I was not magically transformed into a beautiful swan-necked princess, complete with bejewelled carriage piloted by Cockney mice in red frock coats.

“I looked in the mirror and it was just me. Shit old me. With fatty deposits above my knees and an incipient belly that no amount of low-calorie chocolate drinks can shift.

“Perhaps I should have returned the dress to the shop, but instead I took it into the garden, burned it and then ate the ashes.”

Emma Bradford, editor of Modern Self-Hating Woman, said: “This isn’t the dress that will make your shit life brilliant, and we apologise if any readers misconstrued our double page feature entitled ‘This Dress Will Make Your Shit Life Brilliant’.

“That dress will be in next month’s edition, or the one after.

“But keep buying the things because one day, one of the things will make you beautiful. Just not today.”

She added: “Also in next month’s issue, an article about how putting crab paste on men’s bollocks can make them stay in your house for more than four hours. It’s the best thing we’ve cut and pasted off the internet in ages.”