Chelsea fans go all giddy

THOUSANDS of tattooed Chelsea supporters have locked themselves in their room listening to Justin Bieber after the appointment of André Villas-Boas as manager.

The 34 year-old greeted fans at the gates of Stamford Bridge that were adorned with cards, poems and teddy bears from the club’s legion of adorable, potbellied racists.

Several police officers were injured in the resultant crush as the screaming throng surged forward to try and touch Boas’ face.

Corpulent taxi driver Wayne Hayes said: “AVB will give the club a fresh direction and some youthful enthusiasm as well as dreamy, tousled hair and eyes you could just drown in.

“Roy Hobbs reckons he went on holiday to Portugal last year and met André at a nightclub and they did shots together but he’s such a lying bitch and everybody knows his family are povvos that can’t afford to go abroad.”

Boasmania also hit the club’s merchandise shop, where hastily-manufactured posters featuring a shirtless Boas were snapped up at £50 a time and old Ancelotti stock was vandalised.

Shop manager Charlie Reeves said: “It hasn’t been this mad since Mourinho arrived and we had two hundred blokes camped outside the doors for a week waiting for our range of Jose pencil cases to come out.

 “It’s been a nightmare locking up this evening – I don’t know if you’ve ever had to roll three overweight builders who’ve fainted out onto the pavement but it’s no picnic.”

The Portugese manager has thanked the fans – who have now dubbed themselves ‘The Chelsea Boas Hunters’ in his honour – and said that he will love them forever, or at least until Abramovich gets bored and feeds him to his killer whale.


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People not at Glastonbury begin enjoying plight of those who are

MILLIONS of people not at the Glastonbury Festival have started relishing the abject suffering of those who are.

In what has become an almost-yearly ritual, the vast majority of people in the UK are celebrating the rain that will transform the site into a muddy hellpit full of twats.

Tom Logan, a 36-year-old plumber,  said: “I hope they paid a lot of money for this. I hope this is their summer fucking holiday.

“Wouldn’t it be great if there are lots of young people who’ve just finished their A Levels or some fucking thing? Have fun you smart-arsed little shits.

He added: “Despite its European name, schadenfreude is more British than a bulldog eating a scone.”

However those at the festival are determined to keep pretending to enjoy themselves despite the medieval conditions.

Student Emma Bradford said: “I’m going to be standing in the vast puddle of filth that is the field containing the semi-submerged Pyramid Stage, waving my home-made banner as if I’m not actually thinking about being in a proper bed, in a building with a roof on it.

“I’m totally stoked about being here.”

Bill McKay added: “Look at this banner I’ve made, it says ‘Brighton Boyz’ on it. Or at least it did, it’s kind of been a bit ruined since I used it to mop up the effluent filling my tent.”