Chelsea in relegation bid to help Torres

CHELSEA will make an audacious bid to get relegated in an attempt to keep Fernando Torres on the scoresheet.

The Spanish deer-impersonator has spent the last year complaining to a succession of Chelsea’s managers that opposition players keep taking the ball off him.

When he has managed to waft the ball vaguely toward the goal line, opponents had insisted on stopping it from going in, leading to an appeal to the FA for the rules to be changed to award goals for trying really hard.

The former striker was picked for Chelsea’s match against Leicester City on Sunday after players managed to convince caretaker stooge Roberto Di Matteo that he was a new signing called Ferdinand Taylor from Carlisle. The flappy Spaniard then surprised everybody, including himself, by scoring twice.

Everybody in the Leicester team, from manager Nigel Pearson down to the coach driver, has been suspended pending an enquiry into how the historical brace was allowed to happen, with some thinking it may still be a widely-held delusion caused by a gas leak.

Torres said: “If we can keep descending down the leagues until we find a consistent number of teams lacking the basic coordination needed to foil me then we may be onto something.

“We have 10 games left to gain minus 10 points so I’m asking some of the lads to get in touch with an Asian betting ring or hopefully Mr Abramovich will file for bankruptcy.

“Before long I’ll be banging in a hat trick against Peterborough on a cold Tuesday night in front of eight thousand fans.

“Like Chelsea would be if it wasn’t for all that annoying money.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Olympics to feature 24-hour Sunday looting

SHOPS will be available for looting during the Olympics 24 hours a day, including Sundays.

The government will this week pass a temporary amendment to Britain’s Sunday looting laws to guarantee shopping precincts in every major town and city are completely ransacked seven days a week.

Ministers also want to ensure London can cater for the combined frustrations of an especially vindictive tube strike and the seemingly unremitting tedium of the Olympic games.

A spokesman said: “When this finally boils over into a orgy of greedy violence it’s important everyone gets a chance to steal something from Currys.

“People who do not like the Olympics should be able to steal themselves a better TV on which to not watch it.”

The legislation will effectively ban chief constables from deploying riot control all day Sunday. The spokesman added: “During last year’s riots the police did not appear until the Sunday. It felt very old fashioned.”

But pressure groups claim the move will further undermine British society, insisting that Sunday is a day for stealing things from churches.

And critics also insisted the legislation is unnecessary as every constable in the UK will probably spend the entire Olympics policing the dressage in a field near Swindon.

Meanwhile, some Christians said they will refuse to loot on a Sunday, following the example of Eric Liddell, the hero of Chariots on Fire.