Colourful football boots prove humanity is doomed

THE kaleidoscopic football boots worn in the World Cup are a clear sign that our civilisation is in its last days, experts have agreed.

The boots, which are white, red, blue, fluorescent yellow and eye-burning combinations of the lot, are the equivalent of Roman vomitoriums and give us six to eighteen months before societal collapse.

Futurologist Francesca Johnson said: “In 1966, Alan Ball wore white boots and, as a direct result, was the only member of the team not to be invited to Buckingham Palace.

“In 2014, Mario Balotelli wears a red boot on one foot and a blue boot on the other and everyone acts like it’s no big deal.

“The strobing, clashing colours of different football boots flashing across the screen stimulate violent impulses in the viewer.

“So far Phil Neville and Alan Shearer have managed to calm those impulses by being incredibly boring, but it’s only a matter of time before our world is in flames.”

A leading international, speaking anonymously, said: “We wear mismatched, garish shoes on the outside because that’s how we feel on the inside. And it’s getting worse.

“Suarez would be fit to play by now if he hadn’t insisted in training in silver python Christian Louboutin heels, and Andres Iniesta is openly wearing big red clown shoes.

“By the final, expect to see Lionel Messi in a pair of six-inch transparent platforms with a live goldfish in each heel.

“And then your mind is gone.”

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Middle class families standing round unsolicited tabloid newspaper on doormat

MIDDLE class families have gathered around a tabloid newspaper that was put through their letter box without permission.

The families are staring at their free copy of The Sun, unsure what to do with it.

Matin Bishop, from Hatfield, told his wife and children: “Don’t touch it, I’m going to try and open it using this umbrella. Nice and easy, there we go. Now then…

“Lots of capital letters. Lots of words in bold. Big photographs. Short articles. And my goodness, what a lot of puns. Okay, right.

“Well, it’s not very nice but I don’t think it’s anything to be worried about. It’s just a newspaper for people who do not prioritise education in quite the same way as we do.”

Bishop added: “Emily, could you be a poppet, nip out to the garage and get my barbecue tongs and one of the green, heavy-duty binbags?”