Colourful football boots prove humanity is doomed
THE kaleidoscopic football boots worn in the World Cup are a clear sign that our civilisation is in its last days, experts have agreed.
The boots, which are white, red, blue, fluorescent yellow and eye-burning combinations of the lot, are the equivalent of Roman vomitoriums and give us six to eighteen months before societal collapse.
Futurologist Francesca Johnson said: “In 1966, Alan Ball wore white boots and, as a direct result, was the only member of the team not to be invited to Buckingham Palace.
“In 2014, Mario Balotelli wears a red boot on one foot and a blue boot on the other and everyone acts like its no big deal.
The strobing, clashing colours of different football boots flashing across the screen stimulate violent impulses in the viewer.
So far Phil Neville and Alan Shearer have managed to calm those impulses by being incredibly boring, but its only a matter of time before our world is in flames.
A leading international, speaking anonymously, said: We wear mismatched, garish shoes on the outside because thats how we feel on the inside. And its getting worse.
Suarez would be fit to play by now if he hadnt insisted in training in silver python Christian Louboutin heels, and Andres Iniesta is openly wearing big red clown shoes.
By the final, expect to see Lionel Messi in a pair of six-inch transparent platforms with a live goldfish in each heel.
“And then your mind is gone.