Sunday, 16th May 2021

Cricket fans ready to trash Waitrose if England win World Cup

CRICKET fans are threatening to rampage through Waitrose, Cath Kidston and SpaceNK wreaking havoc if England win today’s World Cup. 

Police are prepared for an outbreak of unruly middle-class behaviour with affluent, chino-wearing fans downing glasses crémant and looting manchego cheese and prosciutto.

Julian Cook said: “They don’t call us the Barmy Army for nothing. There won’t be a branch of Thomas Pink that’s safe.

“In exceptional circumstances like these I may even down a Cabernet Sauvignon without even bothering to pair it with halloumi and to hell with the tannins.

“We’re going to go absolutely batshit mental from that final stroke of leather on willow until 7pm, when The Archers is on.”

Police Sergeant Stephen Malley said: “We’re increasing our presence in danger zones where house prices are over £500,000 and people believe cricket to be a sport rather than a baffling, endless chore.

“Plain-clothed officers are stationed in delis and artisan bakeries. We don’t want any repeat of the scenes when Andy Murray won Wimbledon and riot police in Fulham were felled in a shower of olive stones and sourdough.”