Cricket fans ready to trash Waitrose if England win World Cup

CRICKET fans are threatening to rampage through Waitrose, Cath Kidston and SpaceNK wreaking havoc if England win today’s World Cup. 

Police are prepared for an outbreak of unruly middle-class behaviour with affluent, chino-wearing fans downing glasses crémant and looting manchego cheese and prosciutto.

Julian Cook said: “They don’t call us the Barmy Army for nothing. There won’t be a branch of Thomas Pink that’s safe.

“In exceptional circumstances like these I may even down a Cabernet Sauvignon without even bothering to pair it with halloumi and to hell with the tannins.

“We’re going to go absolutely batshit mental from that final stroke of leather on willow until 7pm, when The Archers is on.”

Police Sergeant Stephen Malley said: “We’re increasing our presence in danger zones where house prices are over £500,000 and people believe cricket to be a sport rather than a baffling, endless chore.

“Plain-clothed officers are stationed in delis and artisan bakeries. We don’t want any repeat of the scenes when Andy Murray won Wimbledon and riot police in Fulham were felled in a shower of olive stones and sourdough.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man given glass of wine at 1pm has no option now but to keep drinking

A MAN given a glass of white wine at 1pm has been left with no choice but to continue drinking until nightfall. 

Tom Logan was unexpectedly handed the large glass of Chardonnay at a friend’s house and for politeness’s sake was forced to drain it, ask for another and commit himself to a ten-hour alcohol binge.

He said: “It’s sunny, it’s hot and if I stop drinking now I’ll be crippled with a massive, thumping early-evening hangover that won’t fade until it’s time to go to bed, so I guess I’m in it for the long haul.

“It’s kind of a shame. I had plans for today. I wanted to watch a movie tonight, but no way will I be able to focus on moving images on a screen by 9pm. The very thought.

“On the other hand nor will I be able to get solidly pissed at any point, because once I’m steadying myself against furniture then I’ll have to ease off and after that comes consequences, so I’m walking a booze tightrope until sundown.

“All-day drinking is a marathon, not a sprint. I’ve got to keep myself nicely lubricated, get in enough alcohol to make it through the evening, fit a meal in at some point and reach the finish line.

“Christ it’s going to be hard. It’s a good thing I’ll be drunk.”