Dad has can of lager before 9am in preparation for England game

A DAD has already had a full can of lager before anyone got up in anticipation of this afternoon’s England game, he has admitted. 

Delivery driver Stephen Malley justifed drinking alcohol before breakfast by reminding his family that the game was at 3pm, not 7pm, so getting a Stella in early was only prudent.

He continued: “Come on. This isn’t a group game. This is serious, and all I’m guilty of is treating it accordingly.

“I couldn’t sleep because of the light, and the heat, and worrying whether he’s going to stick with Sterling or give Rashford a decent chance, and I thought where’s the harm in settling my mind a bit?

“We’ve got plenty of beer if that’s your worry. There’s four cases in the garage so we’ll not go short this afternoon, even if it goes to extra time.

“Alcoholic? Listen love, I wouldn’t be touching the stuff if we’d lost Tuesday. Was I an alcoholic in 2002 when I was sinking them at 7am for the Brazil game? It’s just proper preparation is all.

“I’m going to the fridge. Anyone? After that I’d better get the barbecue fired up. You lot need to get a scoot on.”

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Only tiny number of jammy bastards actually 'basking' in heatwave

THE number of people outside enjoying the hot weather as opposed to slaving in a sweltering workplace is virtually nil.

Despite endless news stories implying the entire country is swimming and sunbathing, most people are simply doing their usual grim routine but drenched in sweat.

Office worker Wayne Hayes said: “Judging by the BBC, all of Britain has bunked off work and headed straight for Hyde Park with an ice cream and a Tom Clancy novel.

“But I can reliably inform you that neither me nor anyone else in my office – with no air conditioning, by the way – is ‘basking’ in anything except misery.

“Like most people I’ll be on a crowded train or bus at 8.10 in the morning enjoying the odour of my fellow commuters. Then I’ll go home in the evening just in time for the sun going down.”

However Nikki Hollis said: “I’m basking in the heatwave, but then I don’t have a job because my dad owns a merchant bank and I’m pretending to be an art student.”