Brexit summit to be less intellectually stimulating than Love Island

TODAY’S Brexit summit will contain fewer intelligent arguments than Love Island, experts believe.

The top-level meeting is meant to hammer out the Brexit position that was needed 18 months ago, but is more likely to be an endless bitchfest between annoying characters.

Political analyst Donna Sheridan said: “The similarities with Love Island are striking. People like Boris Johnson will just be there to promote themselves and ‘win the show’ by becoming PM.

“The Brexiters will almost certainly form a temporary clique based on hating Philip Hammond. Right now they’re probably all bitching about him and he’s gone into the toilets to cry.

“Much like Love Island nothing useful or worthwhile will be achieved, but at least we won’t have to see these fuckers in trunks and bikinis.”

Environment minister Michael Gove said: “I ain’t got time for fake people, right? Who like say they’re into Brexit but they’re lying? That’s just like who I am, ya feel me?”

Love Island viewer Martin Bishop said: “I never thought I’d say this, but our best hope is probably to send Danny Dyer in to sort it the fuck out.”

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How to pretend you haven't seen people you don't want to talk to

ARE you always bumping into wanker neighbours or people you briefly met years ago, leading to stilted banter with long, awkward pauses? Here’s how to pretend you haven’t seen them.

Have pre-established hiding places

Remember good hiding places. The fish aisle in the the supermarket, bushes you can hide behind, or – if you really don’t want to speak to someone – builders’ skips you can climb into and cover yourself with rubble.

Pretend to be someone else

If it’s someone you don’t know very well, pretend they’ve confused you with someone else. Deter them even more by pretending not to speak English with some gibberish like, “Si no esta Eenglish me speak!”

Set a precedent early

Whenever you first meet anyone, quickly plant the idea that you’re ‘face blind’. That not only gives you an excuse to ignore people years down the line, but in day-to-day life too.

Develop a sudden interest in odd things

Suddenly become totally fascinated by something and huddle over it. It could be a pack of scourers in the corner shop or a local post box. You might look a bit mad, but that’s an effective conversational deterrent in its own right.

Wear a disguise all the time

Most people won’t recognise you if you’re wearing a hat and sunglasses. However more observant people might require a wig or fake moustache, although this may be less effective if you’re a woman.