Dalglish to rejoin Liverpool forward line

KENNY Dalglish has signed for Liverpool, boosting both morale and their ineffective strike force.

A proven goalscorer at both club and international level, Dalglish is considered the ideal candidate to bring back the heart, the passion, the pride, the passion and the heart to the football club.

Diehard fans are convinced the signing will bring back Liverpool’s glory days. Besides footballing victories, they believe it will trigger the recommissioning of Brookside, Bread, the reformation of The Farm and Jimmy Tarbuck’s return to Saturday night TV.

Some commentators have queried the £42 million Liverpool paid for Dalglish, particularly as he is not affiliated to any club, and the length of his ten year contract.

Roy Hobbs, editor of the Liverpool fanzine Shirt!, said: “When it comes to Dalglish, money is no issue. It’s about the pride, the heart, the passion.

“And the heart and the pride. And the passion. And heart.

“And the passion.”

Liverpool remain among the biggest names in British club football, with three syllables and nine letters.

And whereas fans of other football clubs make their way to the ground one by one, never communicating or consorting with one another, Liverpool fans, uniquely, never walk alone.

Footballologist Stephen Malley said: “You can’t go wrong with a man like Kenny.

“I’d put myself up for the team but I’m a wee bit young at 38. You don’t win anything with kids.”



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Bez lands 50 Shades of Grey lead

MARACANIST Bez has won the role of Christian Grey in the forthcoming 50 Shades of Grey film.

The Mancunian beat Shia LaBeouf and porn star James Dean is to portray the tortured billionaire Christian Grey, who in the film adaptation will also be a gifted maraca player.

Bez said: “It’s gonna be fuckin’ sorted.”

Producer Tom Logan said: “Firstly, Grey is a deeply haunted character and Bez has that kind of look because he’s caned shitloads of pills.

“Also we loved the idea of Christian Grey being an artist, a master of the maracas, as well as a businessman. It kind of completes the picture – he’s a ruthless alpha male, but he’s also in touch with his artistic side.

“Anastasia Steele is irresistibly drawn to Christian/Bez’s percussion ability. The maracas have a kind of sexual, primal rhythm she cannot resist.”

The studio loved Bez so much they have agreed he can turn up on set whatever time of day he likes, and have given Shaun Ryder the role of Ana’s flatmate Katherine.

50 Shades fan Emma Bradford said: “Bez is every woman’s fantasy.

“However I’m not sure his I’d like to go back to his house, I imagine his playroom would be littered with ashtrays and empty Nurishment cans.”