David Ospina found trapped behind transfer window

ARSENAL goalkeeper David Ospina was trapped for months behind the transfer window, it has emerged.

Twice a year managers line up next to the plexiglass window and attempt to push through selected members of their squad.

At the ceremonial opening of the window, officials were surprised when they heard groaning and scratching coming from inside, followed by the appearance of startled, emaciated goalkeeper Ospina.

An Arsenal spokesman said: “Ospina looked in a terrible state. He’d clearly been stuck in there since July with only insects and David Bentley for company.

“I had this feeling I’d forgotten something, but I thought maybe it was a gas bill or something, not a £3 million Colombian goalkeeper.”

Some experts have suggested that players being forced to climb through the window is archaic and prevents taller players such as Peter Crouch changing teams at all.

The spokesman added: “I suppose it’s just one of those traditions. Like conducting a multi-million pound deal via a fax machine, even though nobody outside football has used one since the 90s.”

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Tories to eradicate regional accents

THE Conservatives have promised to stamp out all confusing regional accents if elected for another term.

Soon to sound like Penelope Keith

Following Boris Johnson’s pronouncement that anyone speaking a foreign language is doing it out of nothing but spite, the Tories have vowed to bring England’s regional accents to a close within five years.

Home Secretary Theresa May said: “The excitable hooting and yapping of Ant and Dec might be popular now, but so once were Bill and Ben the Flower Pot Men.

“Britain in the 21st century simply cannot afford to support millions unable to recognise a simple bread roll without calling it a muffin, bap, barm, cob or stottie.

“London and the South-East, where everyone talks normally, are the most prosperous parts of the UK, precisely because they don’t have these ridiculous speech impediments.”

The rollout will begin in the Midlands next year, where analogue accents will be reset using electrical stimulation collars.

Bristol and the West Country will be switched over in to proper speech by 2017 and the Geordie accent will be turned off for good in 2020.