Di Canio regains control of Sunderland in military coup

PAOLO Di Canio has declared himself Sunderland manager-for-life following a brutal coup.

The charismatic manager, who was fired for poor results on Sunday, stormed the Stadium of Light with tanks and helicopters before making an impassioned address on the club’s YouTube channel.

He said: “It takes time to turn a club around and the players I have purchased this summer deserve a chance to settle in. That is why I have seized this club by force and have ordered a reel of piano wire for my talks with senior players.

“No longer will this club operate under the communist rule of the FA. Where is the logic in winning a war and leaving your opponents to fight another day, or letting a player leave who then comes back to score against you with his unbroken legs?

“Twelve points have been stolen from us this season. The communists might settle for the loss of three points to West Bromwich Albion, but I say no! I say we must take those points back!

“To this end I have authorised a low-level bombing raid on the Hawthorns, to be followed by a lightning strike by our infantry led by Lee Cattermole.”

Fans gathered around Sunderland’s ground were thought to have hung effigies of chairman Ellis Short and caretaker manager Kevin Ball from lampposts, until it became apparent that they weren’t effigies.

Peterborough United, Sunderland’s opponents in tonight’s League Cup game, have confirmed they have received a fax from Di Canio requesting their unconditional surrender.

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Breaking Bad makers admit final episode never going to happen

VINCE Gilligan has cancelled the final episode of Breaking Bad after running out of ideas.

Series creator Gilligan said the show’s concluding episode would be postponed indefinitely after he and his team hit a creative brick wall.

Although they had been confidently pretending that the last episode had been completed and was ‘intense’, the writing team never got beyond writing ‘Walt’ and ‘Jesse’ on a flip chart.

Gilligan said: “We’ve got nothing. Nothing. I’m very sorry.

“We kind of assumed it would get cancelled after two seasons, if we were lucky. So we never really planned ahead, the plot just grew organically, like a wild shrub.

“I had a vague thought involving a machine gun but that didn’t work out, for various reasons I can’t be bothered to go into.

“The we asked everyone working on the show to write an idea on a Post-It note but they came out with stuff like ‘Skyler gets eaten by a wolf’, ‘Walt’s not ill, he’s pregnant’, and ‘Everyone sorts it out over a nice hot drink’.”

He continued: “Even writing a single episode is incredibly draining. There’s all these characters running around doing different things, it’s like maths.

“Now we’ve missed the deadline and they’re going to put an old episode of The A-Team on in our time slot.

“The good news though is that it’s the one where they get trapped in a warehouse and fight back with modified toy planes. Probably the best A-Team ever made.”