PAOLO Di Canio has declared himself Sunderland manager-for-life following a brutal coup.
The charismatic manager, who was fired for poor results on Sunday, stormed the Stadium of Light with tanks and helicopters before making an impassioned address on the club’s YouTube channel.
He said: It takes time to turn a club around and the players I have purchased this summer deserve a chance to settle in. That is why I have seized this club by force and have ordered a reel of piano wire for my talks with senior players.
No longer will this club operate under the communist rule of the FA. Where is the logic in winning a war and leaving your opponents to fight another day, or letting a player leave who then comes back to score against you with his unbroken legs?
Twelve points have been stolen from us this season. The communists might settle for the loss of three points to West Bromwich Albion, but I say no! I say we must take those points back!
To this end I have authorised a low-level bombing raid on the Hawthorns, to be followed by a lightning strike by our infantry led by Lee Cattermole.
Fans gathered around Sunderlands ground were thought to have hung effigies of chairman Ellis Short and caretaker manager Kevin Ball from lampposts, until it became apparent that they werent effigies.
Peterborough United, Sunderlands opponents in tonights League Cup game, have confirmed they have received a fax from Di Canio requesting their unconditional surrender.