Dreadful American defiles Wimbledon with his ghastly skill

WIMBLEDON has been defiled, perhaps forever, by the vulgar skill and strength of some dreadful American who probably eats with his hands.

The man, named ‘Querrey’, disgraced our Centre Court by firing a tennis ball at unreasonable and vicious speed towards the National Hero.

Meanwhile, the National Hero remained on his feet even as the vile, ghastly American no doubt hit  him repeatedly in the face with a large spanner, as Americans often do.

It has also been revealed that the National Hero had one of his hips stolen by Russian gangsters earlier today and was forced to replace it with a garlic press and a grapefruit.

‘Querrey’ will now go onto the semi final of the Sacred Tournament where, God willing, he will be thrashed by a slightly less ghastly, unspeakable foreigner.

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'Wardrobe essentials' now include little black dress, skinny jeans and a Guns ’N Roses T-shirt

ALL women should have a little black dress, pencil skirt, all-season blazer and a Guns ’N Roses T-shirt in their wardrobe, fashion magazines have decreed. 

The T-shirts have been declared an essential for every ladies’ wardrobe after three decades of popular wear for everything from walking the dog to Royal Ascot.

Fashion writer Francesca Ryan said: “Whether the classic crucifix-with-original-line-up-skulls design, the entwined flowers and pistols logo or one of the more outré styles, every woman should have one.

“Once a badge of the rock subculture, they’re now a fashion neutral that can be dressed up with jewellery, dressed down with jeans or worn oversized as a dress for an outdoor function.

“And best of all, there’s no need to worry about sniffy men challenging you to name three of their songs, because you know them all. Even if you don’t realise it, you know them all.”

19-year-old Eleanor Shaw said: “The costume dramas of the 22nd century will outfit everyone of our era in a black tee bearing the motif of a skull in a top hat smoking a cigarette, and they’ll be right to.

“Unless they’re still wearing them, of course, which I wouldn’t rule out.”