Dutch to invent word for 'cricket'

AFTER their surprise victory against England, the Dutch have admitted they had better invent a word for cricket if they are going to play it for a second time.

According to the interim Netherlands Association for Balls and Bats, early favourites are ‘kriijket’,  ‘krikkendam’ and ‘van der krikkenhooffen’.

A spokesman said: “Hey, crazy game, yes? We hit the ball, we catch the ball. It’s all good. So, do we win some points for hitting it into the crowd again?”

He added: “We really like ‘googly’. It’s a funny word and a funny game. I mean, it’s not like you are taking it seriously.”

Holland secured their surprise victory in the last over after England’s Stuart Broad experimented with a new form of fielding that did not involve the use of thumbs.

The ECB said the English squad reported feeling ‘odd’ before the game, after eating a basket of complimentary muffins sent by the Dutch side.

A spokesman added: “By the coin toss, half of them were discussing what an amazing colour James Foster’s car was and the other half were still in the pavilion, mesmerised by a SpongeBob SquarePants DVD.”

The spokesman warned that following the defeat this year’s Ashes series against Australia may have to be cancelled, adding: “At this rate somebody could end up getting killed.”


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This Is How The Nazis Started, Says Everyone

THE Nazis started out with just a couple of MPs and six percent of the vote you know, everyone said last night.

As the British National Party achieved its first success in a UK-wide election, amateur historians said they would be amazed if this time next year people like you were not in some sort of camp.

Julian Cook, from Hitchin, said: "Having seen The Great Escape, one can only hope that Nick Griffin will decide not to fight a war of total annihilation on two fronts at the same time."

Bill McKay, from Doncaster, added: "First they'll come for the people who watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, but I won't speak up because I watch Top Gear and play golf."

But experts insisted the BNP vote would disappear as soon as everyone could afford to go on holiday to Majorca again.

Professor Tom Logan, of Reading University, said: "Prolonged recessions do have a tendency to expose our inner racist fucknut, but it subsides once you get a new credit card."

As the European election results came in, some of Britain's most famous Jews took the 'precautionary step' of changing their Wikipedia entries.

David Baddiel, the writer and comedian, is now described as being of 'good Prussian stock' with a fondness for rowdy beer halls and a deep loathing of Woody Allen films.

Actress Maureen Lipman has changed her name to 'Lipizzanner' and insists her favourite 'ology' is Aryan racial ideology, while Lionel Blue, the gay rabbi, was last night heading for Southampton wearing a blond wig and carrying a large smoked sausage.

Meanwhile Gordon Brown, the new deputy prime minister, said it was always his plan to reduce the Labour vote to 15% and leave Britain with £1.4 trillion worth of debt and a couple of fascists in the European Parliament.