England Beach Tour Interrupted By Cricket

TEN UK tourists on a Carribbean beach holiday have had their trip thrown into disarray after being forced to play cricket matches.

Trip organiser Andrew Strauss has complained to travel firm ECB after being told to turn up and play a series of games that he and his friends are completely unprepared for.

Strauss started badly, with his helmet on backwards and holding the bat upside down, before asking the umpire if you get free cocktails as part of the all-inclusive deal.

He added: "I managed to hit a few of the balls until there was a big commotion and that man in the white overcoat asked me to leave."

ECB chief executive Denys Finch-Hatton said: "All a bit last minute to be honest. Suddenly remembered we owed the Windies a tourney, so I got this bunch of Johnnies to pop over, telling them it was a beano.

"We stuck some pads on them, gave them a jolly old helmet and hoped for the best. What larks!"

Strauss's fellow holidaymaker Andrew Flintoff, from Preston, said: "Bloody 'ell. Ent had time to do 'owt.  By now I was hopin' to 'ave peed off balcony, set fire t'half dozen pedaloes and spewed me tea in t'pool."

Meanwhile other group members are understood to be confused and upset after being forced to cancel a planned ganja-tasting and spend the afternoon having a really hard ball thrown in their direction at 90mph by an angry Jamaican gentleman who seems to have some sort of problem with them.

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Clarkson Factually Correct

JEREMY Clarkson was factually correct, it was claimed last night.

As the Top Gear presenter faced a storm of protest after describing prime minister Gordon Brown as 'a one-eyed Scottish idiot', experts stressed the constituent parts of the statement could all be verified.

Julian Cook, professor of semantics at Reading University, said: "Think of it this way. What if Jeremy Clarkson had divided the information into three separate sentences?

"For instance; 'Gordon Brown has one eye'. Yes he does. No-one is denying that. Secondly, 'Gordon Brown is Scottish'. Yes he is, so are lots of other people and that is reasonably normal.

"And finally 'Gordon Brown is an idiot'. Well yes, of course he is. If you didn't think that then clearly you're some kind of idiot. And possibly Scottish. With one eye."

Professor Cook added: "It's all about language, it's all about context.

"Put it this way, if he had called Gordon Brown a 'Jocko moron whose eyes are all wonky', or maybe 'Long John Silver, the kilted shitwit', or perhaps even 'Winky McFucknut, the alcoholic sheep-shagger' then yes, I could see how some people might find that offensive.

"Or if he had put on an eye patch and sat there shouting 'jings! crivens! am such a wee eejit!'.

"Or if he had wandered around the stage with one eye shut, bumping into things while sticking his tongue inside his bottom lip and banging the backs of his hands together while screaming 'och aye the noo, I'm Gordon the spazzy', then yes, that is perhaps going a bit too far."

Professor Cook said Clarkson's sentence was not only accurate but possessed a 'beautiful simplicity', adding: "Or what about this one? He puts on an eye patch, a kilt and a tam o'shanter and performs simulated intercourse at the wrong end of an inflatable sheep and then falls off the stage. Yes, I should liked to have seen that."