England cricket team decides against picking only one who can hit the ball

ENGLAND’S cricket team is refusing to call upon Kevin Pietersen despite his ability to hit the ball.

Director of cricket Andrew Strauss said: “While all those flashy fours and sixes are great, where’s Kevin when we need someone to get gracefully bowled out for a duck, or to make polite smalltalk while Australia decide whether to make us follow on or not?

“You wouldn’t select someone for a tennis tournament just because they were good at playing tennis. Indeed that is not how any kind of professional sport works.”

England selectors have ignored pressure to select Pietersen by coughing loudly whenever anyone says the argumentative-but-good-at-cricket batsman’s name.

Meanwhile Ian Bell cemented his place in the England set-up with his collection of witty anecdotes, and Joe Root has become a fixture thanks to the moist Victoria sponges he brings along to matches.