England fans looking forward to tonight's match as much as they would a job interview

ENGLAND fans are anticipating tonight’s match with the same mixture of creeping dread and desperate hope that they would take to a job interview. 

Joseph Turner of Maidstone said: “7pm tonight. That’s when the axe falls. Oh God. 

“It’s like a job interview, meeting a girlfriend’s parents for the first time, and doing a big presentation for work, all rolled into one big ball of anxiety-inducing, high-stakes potential fuck up.

“It’s hard to remember the cheerful beer-swigging me of the Tunisia game, just two weeks ago, when I happily pronounced we ‘could well lose’ to everyone. In a way it’d be better if we had.”

He added: “Earlier I snapped at Janet in accounts when she said Colombia were shit. ‘You don’t know!’ I screamed, then I had to go out and breathe for 10 minutes, squatted down in the car park behind Sandra’s Renault Espace. 

“It’s marvellous being a football fan. It brings me so much joy.” 

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Woman does same idiotic smile whatever the situation

A WOMAN does that same fake smile in every photo despite wildly contrasting scenarios, it has emerged.

Susan Traherne has posted a photo of herself almost everyday on Instagram for the last three years, doing the identical empty smile like some sort of sedated cat whether she is at a cocktail party or on a picket line.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “Recently she gave birth and uploaded a photo that looked like she’d just been handed a Mojito, not a newborn covered in amniotic fluid.

“If you took a picture of her next to a house fire she’d still be doing that fucking smile, I don’t think she can not do it now.”

She added: “And when she’s sitting down she always cocks her head and does this weird thing with her leg that looks like she’s trying to show you her left arse cheek. It’s creepy.”