England fans looking forward to tonight’s match as much as they would a job interview

ENGLAND fans are anticipating tonight’s match with the same mixture of creeping dread and desperate hope that they would take to a job interview. 

Joseph Turner of Maidstone said: “7pm tonight. That’s when the axe falls. Oh God. 

“It’s like a job interview, meeting a girlfriend’s parents for the first time, and doing a big presentation for work, all rolled into one big ball of anxiety-inducing, high-stakes potential fuck up.

“It’s hard to remember the cheerful beer-swigging me of the Tunisia game, just two weeks ago, when I happily pronounced we ‘could well lose’ to everyone. In a way it’d be better if we had.”

He added: “Earlier I snapped at Janet in accounts when she said Colombia were shit. ‘You don’t know!’ I screamed, then I had to go out and breathe for 10 minutes, squatted down in the car park behind Sandra’s Renault Espace. 

“It’s marvellous being a football fan. It brings me so much joy.”