EDGBASTON will stay open until 7pm today so England cricket fans can get mortal.
With play expected to last until the Australians realise how worthless they are, the remaining seven hours will be filled with lager.
England fan Nikki Hollis said: “Hopefully the cricket will be wrapped up by noon so I can concentrate on getting hammered.
“I’m going to be drinking Australian lager because I want to be really patronising.”
England captain Alistair Cook said: “Edgbaston is a lovely old ground with really first-rate bogs so it promises to be a smashing day for everyone that they’ll hopefully be too shitfaced to remember.
“And we need to have some fun before Australia inevitably win the remaining two tests and remind us why we hate cricket so much.”
Under normal circumstances a percentage of the ticket price is refundable if limited overs are played but this will be put behind the bar instead, on the proviso that nobody acts the arsehole and starts ordering doubles.