FOOTBALL chiefs are to consider a reduction in the number of spray-tan trollops that top-flight players have to wheelbarrow in a motorway hotel.
As the England squad arrived back from South Africa, officials said the players were tired after a long season of driving their childish cars to the High Wycombe Travelodge for wanton, beer-fuelled intercourse with wave upon wave of ghastly, fake-titted ultra-skanks.
An insider said: “We need to take a fresh look at the league schedule and see if during European Championship and World Cup years we can finish the season that bit earlier so the players are not still chin-deep in filthy, fame-hungry little strumpets come the middle of May.
“When you add the league campaign, the FA and Carling Cups and European club competitions, the last thing a player needs is more than, say, 30 blonde, pox-ridden floozies homing in on him like he’s a big, stupid bastard with too much money.”
But leading figures in the game have dismissed skank-rationing as too difficult to police and insist it would be much simpler to identify a new generation of promising young players and then hack their testicles off.
Former England manager Graham Taylor said: “They could keep some sperm in a little cup so they’re still able to start a family when they retire from international football.
“In the meantime we’d have a world class squad full of alert, focused eunuchs, all with that extra bit of pace because they won’t have a big, annoying scrotum continually getting in the way.”
Meanwhile Fifa president Sepp Blatter has apologised to England for Frank Lampard’s goal being disallowed, adding: “And that’s the same apology I gave to your mommas last night.”
Fifa has also confirmed that a number of items were taken from the England players’ rooms on Sunday, including underwear, a medal and a Fisher Price Play Centre.
A source said: “I’m sure that whoever stole Wayne Rooney’s underpants will now realise that all the money in the world is no substitute for a lesson in basic personal hygiene.”