England to use football film tactics

ENGLAND manager Roy Hodgson is devising new strategies based on films including Escape to Victory and Bend It Like Beckham.

After spending several evenings watching DVDs, Hodgson says he is now confident of winning the World Cup because the tactics of fictional football teams invariably lead to victory.

Hodgson said: “My first step is to replace Wayne Rooney with a teenage girl with a perm, because as Gregory’s Girl proves, girls are better at football than boys.

“Then I’m going to fill the team with footballing legends, like in Escape to Victory. No team will stand a chance against a line-up that includes Pele and Ossie Ardiles, who say it will make a nice change from playing dominoes in the pub.

“If we’re still not getting the result we want against Uruguay, I’ve arranged for a load of Frenchmen in flares to storm the pitch so we can sneak in a few extra goals in the confusion.

“Bend It Like Beckham taught me two things. First, Keira Knightley is bloody good at football, so I’ve sent an email to Hollywood saying there’s a place in the team and she can borrow shorts if she needs to.

“Secondly, players are more motivated if there’s an unsubtle multicultural backstory, so I’ve hired a load of Bollywood actors so that every England player can have their own strict Indian parents.”

A FIFA spokesman said: “If England loses, we urge fans not embark on badly-choreographed rampages using foam-rubber bricks, like in The Football Factory

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Fried food ban could kill Scottish children

SCOTTISH children may die if schools can only serve them deep fried food once a week, it has been claimed.

Proposals to limit school canteens to one battered meal every seven days have been condemned as lethal to Scottish pupils, who have a genetic need to consume oily amber-coloured things.

Glasgow school cook Susan Traherne said: “Batter contains the nutrients that are essential to survive in the hostile Scottish climate.

“If this madness spreads north of the border, most kids will not last out the first week. They will start jittering and collapse, and you won’t be able to revive them with your so-called ‘salads’.”

Scottish eight-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “Mum told me never to talk to strangers or eat leaves. Food is crispy and that’s that.”