ENGLAND manager Roy Hodgson is devising new strategies based on films including Escape to Victory and Bend It Like Beckham.
After spending several evenings watching DVDs, Hodgson says he is now confident of winning the World Cup because the tactics of fictional football teams invariably lead to victory.
Hodgson said: My first step is to replace Wayne Rooney with a teenage girl with a perm, because as Gregorys Girl proves, girls are better at football than boys.
Then Im going to fill the team with footballing legends, like in Escape to Victory. No team will stand a chance against a line-up that includes Pele and Ossie Ardiles, who say it will make a nice change from playing dominoes in the pub.
If were still not getting the result we want against Uruguay, Ive arranged for a load of Frenchmen in flares to storm the pitch so we can sneak in a few extra goals in the confusion.
Bend It Like Beckham taught me two things. First, Keira Knightley is bloody good at football, so Ive sent an email to Hollywood saying theres a place in the team and she can borrow shorts if she needs to.
Secondly, players are more motivated if theres an unsubtle multicultural backstory, so Ive hired a load of Bollywood actors so that every England player can have their own strict Indian parents.
A FIFA spokesman said: If England loses, we urge fans not embark on badly-choreographed rampages using foam-rubber bricks, like in The Football Factory.