Entire nation definitely to blame for its hooligans

PEOPLE who fight at football matches represent the attitudes and values of their entire nation, it has been confirmed.

Following violent clashes with Russian fans, the English media confirmed that the country as a whole should be judged on the actions of its most violent knobheads.

Tabloid journalist Roy Hobbs said: “These Russians turn up at the football, an innocent game played for entertainment purposes, and start smashing things and hitting people. This is historically unprecedented behaviour.

“They called themselves ‘hooligans’ – a Russian word that means ‘fearless warrior bear’.

“What sort of race would indulge in such savagery? Any nation whose young men fight at sporting events must be irredeemably savage and corrupt.

“Clearly they are some primitive warlike civilisation, genetically inferior to peace-loving lands like ours and probably we should have a war with them.

“There’s no way anyone in Russia could possibly disagree with their actions or think that they are dicks.”

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Murdoch to address public directly from Downing Street

RUPERT Murdoch has called a press conference at Downing Street where he will order a vote for Brexit. 

The billionaire’s speech, made from the steps of his regional office at number 10, will be broadcast live on every television, computer screen and smartphone in the country, even if off.

Murdoch will say: “Come on, Britain. In 40 years you haven’t elected a prime minister I haven’t told you to. Why change now?

“I’ve told you in my newspapers and via my best Conservatives that Britain needs to be out of the EU because it would be financially convenient for me.

“I want a Britain independent of the EU, a Britain I can continue to use as my plaything, a private island where I command the police and write the laws.

“Please, make an old man very happy.”

Murdoch was followed by prime minister David Cameron, who read out a prepared apology for the Remain campaign.

Wayne Hayes of Darwen said: “This man has been giving me tits and football my entire life. How can I say no?”