Everyone to have managed Chelsea by 2014

CHELSEA FC has confirmed that everybody in the UK will have a chance to manage their club over the next two years.

The main quality Margaret Gerving wants in a player is politeness

England’s longest-running farce has drawn up a schedule of 15-minute managerial appointments, starting with 78-year-old Margaret Gerving from Carlisle, who will oversee the first part of Sunday’s match against Manchester City.

The huge rota will begin as soon as Chelsea staff find Rafael Benitez, who is currently hiding somewhere in Stamford Bridge with the keys to the main entrance and all the forks from the canteen stuffed into his coat pockets.

Margaret Gerving said: “My grandson puts the football on sometimes when he comes to visit and that’s given me enough insight to know that Torres can fucking whistle if he thinks he’s starting up front.

“I will be starting that nice Ashley Cole, though. Beautiful manners and immaculately turned out, he is. It’s a mystery no nice young lady has snapped him up.”

Each sacking will be accompanied by a six-figure payout and it’s hoped that Chelsea can drag the country out of recession by the time the first few million people have been sent on gardening leave.

Employed people will be allowed to manage the club during their lunch hour and the under-fives will be given overnight slots which are anticipated to be quiet, apart from the occasional Travelodge-related incident.

A Chelsea spokesman said: “I don’t have the full list of forthcoming managers to hand but I can tell you that Sven Goran Eriksson is about 62 millionth.”