Everyone to have managed Chelsea by 2014

CHELSEA FC has confirmed that everybody in the UK will have a chance to manage their club over the next two years.

England’s longest-running farce has drawn up a schedule of 15-minute managerial appointments, starting with 78-year-old Margaret Gerving from Carlisle, who will oversee the first part of Sunday’s match against Manchester City.

The huge rota will begin as soon as Chelsea staff find Rafael Benitez, who is currently hiding somewhere in Stamford Bridge with the keys to the main entrance and all the forks from the canteen stuffed into his coat pockets.

Margaret Gerving said: “My grandson puts the football on sometimes when he comes to visit and that’s given me enough insight to know that Torres can fucking whistle if he thinks he’s starting up front.

“I will be starting that nice Ashley Cole, though. Beautiful manners and immaculately turned out, he is. It’s a mystery no nice young lady has snapped him up.”

Each sacking will be accompanied by a six-figure payout and it’s hoped that Chelsea can drag the country out of recession by the time the first few million people have been sent on gardening leave.

Employed people will be allowed to manage the club during their lunch hour and the under-fives will be given overnight slots which are anticipated to be quiet, apart from the occasional Travelodge-related incident.

A Chelsea spokesman said: “I don’t have the full list of forthcoming managers to hand but I can tell you that Sven Goran Eriksson is about 62 millionth.”



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The Mash Guide to Buying a Secret Santa Present

It’s Secret Santa time at the office, as if things weren’t already bad enough.

 You’ve just pulled the name ‘Dave Jarvis’ out of a hat. You have no idea who he is, but now you’ve got to spend some money on him.

But Secret Santa is more than just a sad travesty of fun. It’s an opportunity to ‘showcase your personality’ to your work colleagues. Because like everything that happens at work, it’s a thinly-veiled opportunity for personal advancement.

Here’s a few gifts guaranteed to impress at the communal unwrapping ceremony:

A laserdisc of the Kevin Costner film No Way Out (£1?)

Nothing screams originality like a mediocre mid-80s Kevin Costner political thriller on a redundant format the size of a tray.

A mirror with ‘Each Day I Die a Little More’ engraved on it (£19.99)

Literally everyone who works in an office can relate to this, which is what makes this constant reminder of one’s mortality so versatile.

Battery-powered ‘Cold Turkey’ (£12.99)

Turkey toy that talks like it’s coming off heroin, says things like ‘Me bones are grinding together’ and ‘Fetch me a fucking bucket, quick’.

An amount of scrambled egg (Ingredients 30p-80p)

The spongy, damp texture of this gift really keeps them guessing. When it’s unwrapped – voila, some egg.

‘A Technical Guide to Anal Sex’ book by Stephen Malley (£9.99)

Erotica is big this year, but this sex book with diagrams also appeals to the more practical ‘Haynes manual’ demographic.

A chair from the office (Free)

Always useful, although the distinctive shape makes it hard to wrap without giving the game away.

‘Stroke any dog for ten minutes’ voucher (Free)

Make this gift yourself simply by writing the above sentence on some paper. The recipient can then present it to any dog owner, most of whom will agree to let their pet be stroked because they will be scared.

An actual working time machine (Expensive)

Difficult to get hold of but no one would complain.

An empty cardbox box with ‘FUCK CAPITALISM?!?’ written on it (Free)

Show everyone you are the Banksy of the office, sticking it to the man. Also it will become valuable if you become famous either for your art or doing a murder.