3D printers 'a total pile of shit'

THREE-dimensional printers are obviously a complete waste of time, it has emerged.

As ‘crowd-funding’ website Kickstarter was sued for its promotion of a 3D printer, experts said the technology may be the stupidest, most over-hyped piece of shit since 3D films.

Technologist Tom Logan  said: “They are great if what you really want is an intricate lump of plastic.

“So by all means, print a scale model of a hobbit. And then paint it. And then be proud of yourself.

“Have you seen the printed ‘bike’? It’s actually worse than the first bike ever made. Imagine what riding it could do to your balls.

“The thing about a bike is that the tyres need to be made from something that is not as hard as the thing you used to make the handlebars.

“What you’ve got there is a statue of a bike.”

He added: “I can’t wait for the 3D film that is basically just CGI representations of things made by a 3D printer. And I sense James Cameron may be way ahead of me.”

But Logan admitted that 3D printers could change everything, as long as we all want to live in a world where only eight people have a job and we all want to buy things that are not very good.



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My boyfriend always says he's not thinking about anything

Dear Holly, 

Whenever I ask my boyfriend what he is thinking, he always says ‘nothing’. Is this true? 



Dear Eliza,

I can give you a valuable insight into the male psyche which I gleaned yesterday from being dared by Stacey Sullivan to go and hide in the boys’ toilet during playtime. Once I had grown accustomed to the overpowering smell of faeces, and had read all the graffiti about Mrs Ainsely the PE teacher’s massive bumhole, I started to listen in to what they were saying. I can report back the following: Rafa is back (whoever he is) and he’s a bell-end; if you eat two Big Mac meals at once, your farts smell of petrol; and when you’re playing Call of Duty Black Ops, if you throw fifteen grenades at the orphanage you get a special fire-thrower and go back in time to 1965 where you can take acid and join the Black Panthers. That should give you some idea about what is going through your boyfriend’s mind at any point in time.

Hope that helps!