FA says, ‘f**k it, what does it matter?’

THE Football Association has finally given up and appointed Sam Allardyce as England manager.

The new manager will be unveiled this morning in a Harvester off the M4 and will answer questions in between visits to the unlimited breakfast buffet.

It will be followed by a photo opp in the car park with him giving two thumbs up next to some massive wheelie bins.

FA chief executive Martin Glenn said: “He once helped me clear out a septic tank in my holiday cottage in Wales so I feel like I owe the bloke something.”

As well as a new manager, England unveiled the new official kit, which some observers have noted is their 2010 South Africa World Cup kit with the date altered with a Sharpie pen.

England fans have reacted angrily to the appointment, questioning the national side’s ambitions to win a major tournament before getting halfway through the first sentence and realising how ridiculous they sound.

Glenn added: “New era, exciting challenges ahead and so forth. I’m off for a slash.”

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Newborn baby has no idea what it just did to its mother

A BABY is enjoying its first few days on earth with absolutely no clue of the havoc it has wreaked on its mother’s body and mind.

Nathan Muir, a three day-old based in Reading, is enjoying regular feeds, sleeps and burpings, completely ignorant of the 23-hour labour extravaganza.

Muir’s mother experienced extreme physical pain and prolonged emotional distress during the labour, followed by the most intense rush of euphoria and love she has felt since she did acid that one time.

Muir’s father, Ian, said: “It was terrifying, it was exhilarating, it was life-changing. I have never felt more proud of my wife. Nathan, on the other hand, has barely even bothered to make eye contact with her.

“Aside from the physical toll the birth took on my wife, our marriage is presumably now changed forever and our house looks weird. And this heartless monster doesn’t give a damn.”

Muir’s mother Sarah added: said: “Eventually I will tell him exactly what he did to me and then he can decide for himself how to thank me every day for the rest of my life.”