THE Football Association has finally given up and appointed Sam Allardyce as England manager.
The new manager will be unveiled this morning in a Harvester off the M4 and will answer questions in between visits to the unlimited breakfast buffet.
It will be followed by a photo opp in the car park with him giving two thumbs up next to some massive wheelie bins.
FA chief executive Martin Glenn said: “He once helped me clear out a septic tank in my holiday cottage in Wales so I feel like I owe the bloke something.”
As well as a new manager, England unveiled the new official kit, which some observers have noted is their 2010 South Africa World Cup kit with the date altered with a Sharpie pen.
England fans have reacted angrily to the appointment, questioning the national side’s ambitions to win a major tournament before getting halfway through the first sentence and realising how ridiculous they sound.
Glenn added: “New era, exciting challenges ahead and so forth. I’m off for a slash.”