Beer now insanely delicious

BEER has reached a level of insane deliciousness, it has been confirmed.

While the beverage maintains a constant level of amazingness throughout cooler parts of the year, scientists say that temperatures of over 28 degrees activate a molecule that makes it supernatural.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies said: “If you have any beer in the house, please keep it as warm as possible to avoid droplets of moisture tantalisingly caressing the curve of the bottle neck before it slowly, oh so slowly, makes its way to…

“Sorry, I kind of got lost for a second there.”

The nation’s pubs have agreed to limit the sale of refreshing, ice cold, magnificent beer, stating that they will refuse service to customers once they are too drunk to fumble enough change out of their pockets.

Beer enthusiast Wayne Hayes said: “It’s like in some sophisticated romantic comedy when a jaded husband of twenty years once more sees his wife, whom he loves but maybe takes for granted, for the beautiful goddess she truly is.”

Brubaker added: “Beer, though. I really fancy a beer right now and I’m actually drinking a beer as I say that.”

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Corbyn demands to be only unity candidate

JEREMY Corbyn has asked leadership rival Owen Smith to pull out of the race so he can run as Labour’s lone unity candidate. 

The 67-year-old agrees with his challenger that the party should end its internal battle and rally around a single leadership candidate, but that it should be him.

Corbyn said: “Two people can never be one. That’s obvious.

“And, just as Angela Eagle left the race to avoid splitting the vote between herself and Owen, so should Owen drop out to ensure there is no choice whatsoever.

“The leadership election would still go ahead with a single candidate and voting would be made compulsory, giving me an indisputable 100 per cent unity mandate.

“Then I’ll probably go on another one of my holidays. There’s not really anything else that needs my attention right now.”