Fake England Shirts 'Not Made In Official Sweatshops'

ENGLAND fans have been warned against buying fake merchandise not made in official World Cup sweatshops.

In the run-up to South Africa bootleg versions of the England teams’ regalia have been flooding cheap shops and dozens of faintly depressing provincial markets. 

But Tom Logan, director of TTS Sportswear, said: “These cheap knock-offs are made in Third World countries by impoverished locals working 98-hour shifts for the UK equivalent of a packet of Space Raiders, in windowless, sweaty gulags patrolled by short stocky men who spit everywhere when they shout.

“We’re fine with all that, but fans should know that the child labourers making the imitations are rude and smelly and have open disdain for the Queen and bulldogs.”

Workers in the official World Cup merchandise sweatshops, in a delightfully pleasant location in rural Indonesia, are trained not only in politeness and kindness to animals but also to have a deep patriotic feeling toward England which infuses each garment.

Meanwhile genuine England shirts feature breathable nanodynamic biochromatic technology, which maximises the performance of the wearer when they are reaching for the remote control or a fresh can of Stella Artois.

Logan added: “If these cheap, fake shirts are allowed to proliferate, it could undermine our basic human right to keep selling glorified PE kits.”

Football fan Stephen Malley said: “I wouldn’t want to think that in buying a shirt I was supporting the type of sweatshops where the workers don’t even know what a Yorkshire pudding is.

“Of course, I did used to think sweatshops as a whole were maybe not a good thing, but then Bono made it all better with his magic sunglasses of love.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Four Year-Old Dog Found Guilty Of Rape

A FAMILY dog is beginning a prison sentence today after being convicted of raping a hat, a seat cushion and a 32 year-old knee.

Bobby, a four year-old golden retriever from Stevenage, was sentenced to 12 years in dog jail and will also undergo drug therapy to control his dangerous sexual urges.

The jury took just eight seconds to arrive at a verdict as the dog sat panting quietly in the dock, occasionally reacting very suddenly to nothing in particular.

The judge, Mr Justice Hatton, said: “You charmed those around you with your bright eyes and jolly tail, but it was nothing more than a devious and cynical sham to conceal your depravity.

“Your violations and defilements are incompatible with decent society and you have scarred and traumatised an optimistic, fresh-faced knee, a plump young cushion with its whole life ahead of it and a deeply lovely hat.”

The wide-brimmed straw hat, known only as ‘Miss X’, said: “I was terrified of being left alone in the same room with him. I would try and shout out to my owner not to leave me behind, but I couldn’t because I’m just a hat and can only talk in a very quiet voice.”

She added: “I would close my eyes and pretend I was at the beach while he thrust this bright red thing at me and tried desperately to get some purchase on my rim.

“The whole thing would last for about 10 seconds and then he’d wander off into the corner and lick his testicles. I would look into his eyes for some sign of guilt or shame, but there was nothing – just a kind of vacant stupidity.”

‘Mr Y’, the owner of the 32 year-old knee, said: “I do wear shorts quite a lot so I suppose some people at the Daily Mail will say I was asking for it. But my knees are young and are just trying to have a good time.”

Penal reform campaigner, Julian Cook, said: “Our prisons are now overflowing with rapist dogs. We need a debate about how we can deal with these offenders using community-based sentences such as hitting them with a rolled up newspaper, like they do in Sweden.”

But Mr Y added: “Every time I look down I can see him wrapping his front legs around me and thrusting his dirty hips.

“He’s not a dog, he’s an animal.”