Fans seek Terry chant clarification

FOOTBALL fans have asked for guidance on what to call John Terry.

While Chelsea’s hayfever-faced captain was cleared on criminal charges of being racist when he called Anton Ferdinand ‘a fucking black c**t’, the FA ruled that calling Anton Ferdinand ‘a fucking black c**t’ did amount to racial abuse.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “We’re in the strange position that Terry both is and isn’t a racist, posing not only a legal quandary but also the possibility that he is existing in two quantum states of bigotry simultaneously.

“Football chants don’t lend themselves to nuance, so the FA needs to clarify whether a whole stadium is going to be sued for making up a rhyme for the word ‘Nazi’ to the tune of ‘Go West’.”

Amid the confusion fans have had to use equivocal chants such as ‘Terry is a racist, (although that has never been proven to the criminal standard)’ and ‘Ooh ah, doubts linger’.

The FA has been asked to confirm the legal standpoint by the time Terry returns from holiday, to ensure no time that could be spent berating him is wasted.

Hayes said: “I am advising fans to stick to chants about where Terry puts his penis, his mother’s shoplifting and his father’s cocaine dealing.”



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Godzilla dies in Monster Island nursing home

THE 200ft tall mutant reptile Godzilla has passed away peacefully in his sleep

Godzilla had scaled back his rampages in recent years due to increasingly poor health. His decline became evident in 2010, when he had to pause midway through trashing Tokyo to lean on a skyscraper and have a coughing fit.

The lizard’s doctor Roy Hobbs said: “He may have beaten King Ghidorah, the three-headed dragon monster, but it was too much salt that finished him off.”

Former adversaries were quick to offer condolences. Mothra said: “Godzilla was much superior at the fighting. I enbow my head at his conflictingness.”

Giant pterodactyl Rodan said: “He was a worthy opponent, and a damn good friend. His battle against Smog Monster is what inspired me to get into this whole monstering thing.

“The greatest of us all has breathed his last nuclear breath.

“If monsters have a Heaven, that’s where he’s gone. However that does seem unlikely.”

Godzilla leaves behind a son, Son of Godzilla, and a giant robot version of himself, MechaGodzilla, and an evil doppelganger from beyond the stars, SpaceGodzilla.