ANY programme, book, film or remark about drugs makes them seem glamorous, it has emerged.
As Channel 4’s Drugs Live: The Ecstasy Trial drew accusations of glamorising drugs, government advisers confirmed that it was impossible to say anything about illegal substances without making kids want to inject crack into their Angry Birds toys.
Tory-funded drugs mouthpiece Denys Finch Hatton said: “It’s always a very dangerous and seductive thing, talking about drugs.
“And clearly it’s not worth doing, because no one in England takes drugs these days, because it’s illegal.
“Now can we change the subject?”
Teenager Stephen Malley said: “I’m not sure Keith Allen gurning like a randy scrotum is my idea of glamour. But if the government says it is, I must accept that.”
Meanwhile Channel 4 switchboards were jammed last night by viewers convinced they had been hallucinating.
Viewer Stephen Malley said: “I’m freaking out here. There appeared to be several people on my screen describing what it’s actually like to take Es and the ramifications of doing so in a reasonably adult fashion.
“I know this can’t actually be happening because we live in England, so why do I think I saw this? Is it some sort of flashback from the pills I did in the 90s?
“Also, it features the weird doctor who likes staring at banana-shaped penises. His eyes look like they have teeth.”