Anything about drugs accused of glamorising drugs

ANY programme, book, film or remark about drugs makes them seem glamorous, it has emerged.

As Channel 4’s Drugs Live: The Ecstasy Trial drew accusations of glamorising drugs, government advisers confirmed that it was impossible to say anything about illegal substances without making kids want to inject crack into their Angry Birds toys.

Tory-funded drugs mouthpiece Denys Finch Hatton said: “It’s always a very dangerous and seductive thing, talking about drugs.

“And clearly it’s not worth doing, because no one in England takes drugs these days, because it’s illegal.

“Now can we change the subject?”

Teenager Stephen Malley said: “I’m not sure Keith Allen gurning like a randy scrotum is my idea of glamour. But if the government says it is, I must accept that.”

Meanwhile Channel 4 switchboards were jammed last night by viewers convinced they had been hallucinating.

Viewer Stephen Malley said: “I’m freaking out here. There appeared to be several people on my screen describing what it’s actually like to take Es and the ramifications of doing so in a reasonably adult fashion.

“I know this can’t actually be happening because we live in England, so why do I think I saw this? Is it some sort of flashback from the pills I did in the 90s?

“Also, it features the weird doctor who likes staring at banana-shaped penises. His eyes look like they have teeth.”



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Who's lying - the bobby or the bike-riding bastard?

Dear Holly,

The chief whip is telling me one thing, and my security team is telling me the opposite. I’m finding it so incredibly hard to guess at which one is saying untruths: the elitist bike-riding bastard with the overblown sense of entitlement, or the pleb. It’s just too hard. Can you help?

David Cameron 


Dear David,

That’s a tough one – you can never tell if a grown-up is fibbing or not because they’re so good at it. Take my daddy, for example. My mummy asks him if she looks ok, and he always says ‘you look fabulous, darling’ when in actual fact you can see her fat tummy and her big knickers under her dress. And when daddy’s boss and his wife come over for drinks, daddy spends all night laughing and telling them how much he enjoys their company – but in fact he thinks his boss is an incompetent dickhead and his wife is a stuck-up bitch who needs to lay off the botox. So yesterday, when I asked if it was ok to draw a picture of My Little Pony doing a big jobby on the screen of daddy’s new iPad in permanent marker, I immediately took it for granted that he meant the opposite of what he said.

Hope that helps!