Female athletes' medals 78 per cent the size of male counterparts

MEDALS awarded to female Olympics athletes are slightly smaller than the ‘male’ version, it has been confirmed.

An Olympics spokesman said: “We strongly believe in equality, which is why we have ensured the ‘medal gap’ is exactly equal to the wage gap. No more, no less. That’s fair”

Despite male and female participants competing over the same distances, the Olympic Committee has chosen to observe custom and maintain the ratio of reward that women might get if they worked in an office.

Speaking before her event, runner Mary Fisher said: “At some point after running this 1500m race I may decide to have children, get married, or retire.

“It is right and proper that any medal I receive reflects that, by being smaller and having a less fancy design. Why wouldn’t it be?”

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Man claims vague relationship with every Team GB medallist

A MAN claims to have worked with, played football against, babysat and lived next-door to each and every Team GB Olympics medalist.

Sales administrator Hayes claims to know the winners of all of Britain’s 41 medals, even getting the fencing team to help install his broadband.

Colleague Susan Traherne said: “Apparently he met Jess Ennis while they were both volunteering at a charity shop in Yeovil where Andy Murray turned up with a big bag of second-hand trainers.

“With each passing day there comes another story linking him with an athlete, and they are getting increasingly tenuous.

“It’s got to the point where I dread British athletes getting medals because I know the next day I’ll be hearing about how Wayne taught them to swim, dated their mother or helped them install loft insulation.”

However, Hayes seems unperturbed by the doubters and has instead stated loudly how much he hopes Alistair Brownlee secures a gold medal in the triathlon.

Wayne Hayes said: “Me and Al go way back. He’s my cousin’s husband’s sister’s friend and I showed him how to do poached eggs.

“Have I told you about the time I served Usain Bolt when I worked in Dixons?

“Nice guy.”