FIFA isn’t corrupt, you are, says FIFA

AN 18-month investigation into FIFA corruption has found that football’s governing body has no issue with corruption but that you totally do.

Corruption allegations were levelled after pipelines spewing banknotes into FIFA’s Swiss headquarters were traced back to Russia and Qatar.

But FIFA’s own investigation has delivered the surprise result that FIFA is innocent and all the parties who accused it of corruption were themselves taking bribes to do so.

FIFA president Sepp Blatter, named after the sound of a truck running over a pigeon, said: “For FIFA to be completely exonerated and all of its critics guilty of the very crimes they accused us of is most ironic.

“But our investigators have incontestable proof that the English FA, Michel Platini and every bloke down the pub who has ever said that the Qatar win was ‘a bit dodgy’ were doing it for financial inducements.

“Football fans all over the world need to take a look at themselves and to think about how they can stop letting FIFA down.

“I’m not angry with you. I’m just disappointed.”

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Users of medieval language to receive medieval punishments

ANYONE using faux-medieval phrases like ‘Methinks’ or ‘good Sir’ is to be given medieval punishments like the rack and the Iron Maiden.

The punishments have been revived in response to the spread of medieval language, believed to have been transmitted from the real ale to the craft beer communities.

Chief inspector Roy Hobbs said: “In the 21st century, there is no excuse for exclaiming ‘Zounds!’

“People across the country are leaving conversations traumatised after unexpectedly being hit with ‘mayhap’, and evenings out are left in ruins after being described as ‘making merry’.

“The people of the Middle Ages had an answer to this, and they have left us the torture devices to repeat it.

“From now on anyone using ‘perchance’ will get the thumbscrews, any utterance of ‘twas’ will be rewarded by the choke-pear, and saying ‘Gadzooks!’ will see you hung, drawn and quartered at the town gibbet.”

The laws come into place for tonight’s Otley Beer Festival, where the balcony of the leisure centre will be lined by crossbowmen waiting for a signal.

Barmaid Joanne Kramer said: “They’re ready to open fire the moment anyone says they’re ‘quaffing ale’ or refers to me as ‘wench’.”