Footballers Spent Nurse Cash On Emergency Supercars

PREMIERSHIP footballers who pledged to donate a day's wages to a nurses' campaign have instead spent the money on some more cars, it has emerged.

More than 250 players agreed to make donations to the Nurses Are Better Than You campaign, but the majority later decided to go shopping in Park Lane instead.

One Aston Villa star was forced to withdraw his pledge after buying a £130,000 Bentley Continental GT because his £130,000 Porsche 911 smelled of what is now his third favourite brand of aftershave.

A spokeswoman for the campaign said: "To be honest a lot of the players weren't 100% clear on what nurses actually were.

"A couple of lads in the Newcastle squad thought they were used for holding change and keys."

She added: "Some of the more intelligent players had a vague idea but changed their minds when they found out we weren't dying or crippled.

"Most of them were very nice about it. They either phoned or got someone to write saying that while nurses were propbaly useful they weren't as useful as a Bugatti Veyron.

"That's 800 grand of serious motor, so you can see their point."

The spokeswoman said that despite the setback the Nurses are Better Than You campaign will continue because, "at the end of the day, nurses are better than you".

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Half Of All Young Tories Are Victims Of Policy Theft, Says Charity

MORE than 50% all young Tories have had their policies stolen off them by a pair of gruff Scotsmen, research by the Howard League for Penal Reform suggests.

According to the charity nearly 75% of the young Tories have been intimidated by the Scotsmen while at school, with 65% saying their nipples had been tweaked in the corridor by the one older boy known as “The Big Clunking Shit”.

The survey found that all the Tories had suffered some low-level victimisation by the Shit in the last decade, and that most had gone home and told their mums and cried about it a little bit.

Frances Crook, director of the League, cited the tragic case of ‘George’ a young Tory boy who had been cornered in the playground by Scotsmen and stripped bare of all his ideas.

George said: “I was just standing around in the playground having a laugh with my mate Dave and ‘Speccy’ Gove, with all of us saying how great it would be if we were running the country.

“Then these beastly Scotsmen turned up. The Big Clunking Shit grabbed me and pinned my arms behind my back while the other went through my pockets and stole all my policies on inheritance tax and non-doms.

“Dave tried to fight them off but they punched him and stole his Wagon Wheels, his plan to tax flights not passengers, a packet of jammy dodgers, a diamond necklace and a Faberge egg. Speccy Gove just ran off. Pansy.”

The League has called for increased government investment which the Tories will then copy for at least three years.