Giant pandas revealed as new owners of Rangers

EDINBURGH’S giant pandas Tian Tian and Yang Guang have bought Rangers FC.

The pandas have admitted that they came to Scotland to lead Chinese investment in the country.

Tian Tian, speaking from her purpose-built £1,200-a-night enclosure in Edinburgh Zoo, said: “We have no intention of changing the historic associations of the Rangers franchise which have made it a household name across Scotland and as far south as Berwick-upon-Tweed.

“The only alterations will be cosmetic, such as changing the kit from blue to black-and-white, replacing the rampant lion crest with a supine panda, switching club catering from deep-fried meat pies to bamboo shoots, and insisting that all players be celibate.”

The pandas plan to visit Rangers’ training ground later this week to mark their territory with a mixture of urine spraying, goalpost clawing and bearish vocalisations.

The bears have also acquired three whiskey distilleries, eight lochs, Billy Connolly and a controlling interest in the concept of being heroically massacred.

A Chinese cash surplus has seen the nation pursuing investment opportunities in the West, and the pandas have bought Scotland’s cultural assets to further their long-term plan to open a worldwide chain of discount stores called Highland Clearances.

Despite weighing around 18 stone apiece, Tian Tian admitted that she and Yang Guang are not entirely confident on Glasgow’s streets.

She said: “We’re used to being endangered but some of those flat-roofed pubs are ridiculous.”



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Cameron on severe E comedown

DAVID Cameron is in floods of tears today after having taken Ecstasy with Boris Johnson at the Olympics closing ceremony.

The prime minister and Johnson were seen dancing vigorously to the Spice Girls’ segment of Sunday night’s festivities. Cameron has since confessed the pair shared a ‘White Callie’ Ecstasy tablet that London’s mayor had kept in his fridge since the 90s.

Cameron said: “Boris was like come on, it’s the Olympics, a once in a lifetime event, we’ve got to get on one.

“At first I refused on the basis that I had to run the country the next day, but then the lights and smoke evoked memories of my raving years and I thought, this would be an incredible place to get pilled up.

“For ages I didn’t think it was doing anything, then I got that familiar nauseous feeling that one gets when coming up on a strong gurner. Ten minutes later, I was gone.

“My body was the music, and the music was my body.”

Cameron was later overhead telling Johnson he could take over as prime minister whenever he wanted, saying, “It’s just a job, it’s not important. Love is what’s important.”

However a Downing Street source claimed that Cameron is now suffering severe effects of post-Ecstasy serotonin depletion: “He’s in bed with all the curtains drawn, watching kids’ TV, crying and eating bananas.

“I mentioned something about a cabinet meeting, he did this weird face like a wounded animal and disappeared under the duvet.”