Hamilton ‘besmirched Formula 1’s code of chivalry’

LEWIS Hamilton’s champagne-spraying of a race ‘hostess’ has broken his sport’s core principle of utmost respect for women.

Hamilton’s uncouth behaviour shocked the F1 community, which prides itself on impeccable moral standards especially where ladies are concerned.

Formula 1 fan Tom Logan said: “People think Formula 1 is just a sport for lazy bastards who want to experience a sense of fast movement while sitting on the sofa, but it actually has a noble chivalric tradition.

“When young women in hot pants and crop tops are paraded trackside, they are there to be appreciated on a spiritual level as a pure, chaste ideal of beauty, like Michelangelo’s David.

“To even cast a lascivious glance at one of these earthly goddesses is highly disrespectful, much like with the sexy women you get at fancy car shows.

“Another driver will probably now challenge Hamilton to a duel to the death to restore the lady’s honour.”

F1 boss Bernie Ecclestone said: “Hamilton has been banished to a monastic cell underneath Formula 1 headquarters, where he is reading Haynes manuals in an act of silent contemplation.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Why not have a nice relaxing weekend after a busy week sending death threats to a light entertainment presenter about a job she doesn’t want anyway?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Expect a life-changing event this Friday, although in a life as tedious as yours that could simply mean changing the bottle on your Glade plug-in.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After meeting old friends on Saturday, you produce a specimen pot when they ask you to ‘send everyone our love’.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Why not feel less pathetic when rubbing in hand cream by pretending you’re contemplating an evil scheme?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
As an existentialist from Grimsby you’ve always believed that Hull is other people.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Remember not to spend too long in the hot weather this weekend. Nobody wants to see your wobbly bits gleaming like a pork beacon.

 Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
In order to avoid embarrassment reading the Tory manifesto on the tube you’ve taken to hiding it inside a copy of Arse Whores Vol IX.

 Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Super-hot scorching sexsational Scorpios can sexpect to come down with a red-hot peeing sensation this week.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Don’t let tensions build up between you and a difficult colleague this week. Just leave work early and slash their tyres on your way home.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Given that prominent politicians get an ‘-ism’ named after them, you’ve often felt it was fortunate that Jessie J got into music instead.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’ll have a long day sunning yourself in the park on Tuesday. Work? Yes, well, just wait and see what that meeting is about on Monday first.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail. Which, thinking about it, is a form of preparation, isn’t it? Hang on, give me a minute.