LIVERPOOL boss Roy Hodgson has unsettled new signing Joe Cole by repeatedly asking whether he’s Sylvia or Enid’s lad.
The veteran manager masterminded Cole’s Â£90k-a-week contract but has been seen giving him Â£5 and telling him not to tell his mother.
The money was apparently handed over on the understanding it was to be spent on a book about the Royal Navy.
Hodgson said: “They all seem lovely here and my room’s right next to the conveniences. But the main thing is having family like young Joseph around. I remember when he was this big and I was wiping his bum for him.”
He added: “I used to manage that Fulham, you know. Way before you were born, I imagine. Of course in those days they were called Fulham Academical Sporting Club and all the players were gentlemen who wouldn’t dream of cheeking the ref or raising his hat to another player’s wife without permission.”
Although Hodgson is understood to earn significantly less than predecessor Rafael Benitez, the club has been faced with the added expense of putting handles next to everything and fitting Anfield with 1200 yards of stairlift.
After capturing Cole, Hodgson’s other targets are believed to include Sir Stanley Matthews and Albert ‘the Motor Car’ Perkins, the only Englishman to score a hat-trick at Wembley, a century at Lord’s and bag a dozen fuzzy-wuzzies at the Seige of Tebbit’s Drift.
Liverpool chief executive, Christian Purslow, said: “We still think we have the right man for the job despite the odour and the constant shouting.
“And we’re all looking forward to the first match against Man United, not least because the two dugouts are going to look like Statler and Waldorf, but with a lot more c-words and Glaswegian-ness.”