World War II 'Illegal', Says Cameron

DAVID Cameron was facing the wrath of veterans’ groups last night after claiming the Second World War was illegal.

The prime minster said that Britain had only agreed to invade Normandy because the Canadian ambassador had threatened Sir Winston Churchill with an angry cat.

Speaking at the end of his official visit to the United States, Mr Cameron said: “In 1945, at the behest of the Canadians, we invaded France because the French had invaded Spain.

“Or was it Germany? Or was it Peru?

“Anyway, we did our bit, even though the whole thing was a obviously a scam.”

He added: “I personally believe that if America had entered war in 1948 then the world would be a very different place. But unfortunately they waited until 1983 by which time the whole thing had been over for at least 15 years.”

Roy Hobbs, who landed on the Normandy beaches on D-Day, said: “Were we fighting the French? I know I killed a hell of a lot of French people that day, but I can’t remember if I was supposed to.”

In London, deputy prime minister Nick Clegg announced that he was illegal, that the British government was up to all kinds of ‘sinister doings’ and that UK troops were withdrawn from Afghanistan ‘years ago’.

Standing in for Mr Cameron at prime minister’s questions, he told the House of Commons: “Mr Speaker, there have been no British troops in Afghanistan since 1520. But obviously that will depend upon conditions on the ground, at the time. Hang on, I’ve been reading this upside down.

“Anyway, this government is up to all kinds of murky badness. You should see my face in some of the meetings. I’m like ‘whaaaaat?‘.”

Mr Clegg then drummed his fingers anxiously on the despatch box before adding: “Who wants to see a magic trick?”

Meanwhile, Mr Cameron’s elderly parents have written to the headmaster of Eton Collge demanding their money back.

Mrs Cameron said: “Thirty grand a year for this shit? Do I look like a fucking chump? I want my money. Now.

“And don’t piss me about. I’m a magistrate and I will fuck you up.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
So no-one told you life was gonna be this way. Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s DOA. Good.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Sweet-smelling urine can sometimes be a sign of diabetes, but in this
case it’s because you pissed all over your five-year-old’s birthday
cake. Serves her right for having the party after lunch.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
There’s something different about you? Have you lost weight? Done
something with your hair? New outfit? No, hang on, someone’s hacked your
arms off.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, consider this justice a gift on my daughter’s wedding day. And by the way, it won’t be anything fancy. Maybe just a footrub or a nice cheese and ham toastie.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You may know that Jesus was crucified for all your sins, but did you also know that he got eight dozen dead legs and a Chinese burn?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Repainting in light, neutral tones and removing the clutter of heavy furniture will create the illusion of space and brightness. And remember to heave all the bodies into a wheelie bin.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
No-one leaves until he’s eaten all of it.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your child is reaching that age where they’re asking difficult questions about sex, like why they only get to keep 10% of the profits.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
When your bright orange son goes missing on a school trip, you cross the oceans facing incredible dangers including sharks and swarms of jellyfish to find him. Seems like a lot of bother considering Clownfish males are able to change sex in a process known as ‘sequential hermaphroditism’ and have about 800 children a year.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
I see a little silhouetto of a man. No, wait a minute, it’s a crocodile.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
A random drugs test at work goes badly when you become convinced the sample bottle is a talking handbag and you punch the nurse in the throat.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you detect a star that is 300 times bigger than the Sun. So that’s my charts fucked into a tinker’s bucket