How to not be an arsehole if you're a famous footballer

ARE you a professional footballer who’d like to try not being a total arsehole for once? Simply follow the advice below.

Spitting on people is generally considered a ‘faux pas’, whether at dinner parties or at work. Try to break the habit by asking yourself, “Do I really need to gob on this linesman/supporter/teenage girl?”

If a fan politely asks for your autograph, try just scribbling it down quickly instead of shouting “Fucking get out of my fucking face!” and running them over with your Range Rover.

If a GCSE-age girl texts you saying “Ur a legend! Biggest fan eva! Lisa x” that is not the same as “Send me a picture of your cock post haste!”.

Sometimes having lots of expensive possessions makes you look like an arrogant twat rather than classy and posh. Show restraint and don’t buy more than 15 gold Bentleys.

Appearing in gangster movies by your dreadful showbiz mates is pretend and you are not a real gangland hardman. If you don’t believe us, try antagonising some Turkish heroin dealers and see what happens.

Delight your wife by having regular ‘date nights’ where you don’t go to a nightclub and shag a glamour model or hard-nosed prostitute who’ll end up mocking your penis on Celebrity Big Brother.

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Woman convinced dyeing her hair green will fix everything

A WOMAN is certain that a radical new hair colour will solve all her problems, it has emerged.

Emma Bradford said: “My job was going nowhere, my love life was in tatters and I was filled with this general feeling of not knowing who I am anymore.

“Then it came to me. I just needed to dye my hair green. I’d always had an urge to do it, and Ryan’s stopped texting me back, so why not?

“Now I’m a different person. Maybe I’ll change my name to Amy Anarchy and adopt the slogan ‘green hair, don’t care’.

“It’s already changed my life in that I’ve been sacked from my job at a tea shop popular with pensioners.”