Illogical optimism about Euro 2016 begins 

AFTER winning no games in the World Cup, hopes are high that England will win the European Championship in 2016.

Confidence of English success is based on previous victories against European opposition such as West Germany in 1966 and Russia and France in the Crimean and Napoleonic wars respectively.

Tom Logan of the UK football magazine The Roaring Lion said: “As we saw in Brazil, young players like Shaw, Smalling, Barkley and Wilshere, simply don’t have what it takes at this level. And Gerrard, Lampard and Rooney are past it.

“They’re a disgrace. They shouldn’t even be allowed to wear the shorts, let alone the shirt.

“We need to learn lessons. We need a footballing revolution in this country.”

However, said Logan, England’s prospects look rosy for 2016: “We have an exciting crop of youngsters including Shaw, Smalling, Barkley and Wilshere who are hungry for success.

“What’s more, with world-class experienced players like Gerrard, Lampard and Rooney still at the helm, we’ve every reason to believe Euro 2016 is practically in the bag for England.

“Learning lessons is for swots. Revolutions are for the French.

“72 hours is more than long enough for them to forget the 2014 World Cup ever happened, even while it is still occurring.”

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Can you suggest a guilt-free snack to keep me going at work?

Dear Holly,

I always get so hungry at work these days. Can you suggest a guilt-free snack to keep me going?

Luis Suarez


Dear Luis,

I know how you feel. All this recent bad press about salt and sugar and obesity has led to poor school children like me being deprived of their customary lunch box treats. Where once I would find my sandwiches nestled invitingly between a packet of beefy monster munch and a Mars bar, now they are balanced precariously on a lonely hard boiled egg and an apple. You can’t even bribe a rogue dinner lady to give you a plate of chips anymore: how are the poor children going to survive the long cold winter without Haribo?

Hope that helps,