Jose Mourinho’s guide to being a miserable bastard

HOLA, this is the Special One, Jose Mourinho and I’m here to teach you how be a proper miserable sod.

One word answers

Give one word answers to everything. Or you can just make a noise, a bit like a teenager does when they’ve been asked how everything was at school that day.

Scowl

Seriously, if you want people to know that you’re just generally annoyed all of the time for no real reason, just scowl at them. They’ll soon stop asking you to buy their stupidĀ Big Issue magazine.

Play a defensive style of football that neither the fans or the players like

If you’re playing free flowing, attractive football then you might win games and make people happy. And who wants that shit? No, better to stay defensive, park the bus and maintain a just generally annoyed and quite spiky persona at all times.

Get beaten by Brighton

Getting beaten by Brighton would make anyone annoyed, so just remember when you wake up every morning to go into your bathroom, look in the mirror and say, ‘How the fuck did we lose to Brighton?’. That’ll set you up for a fun day of being in a pretty foul, stroppy mood.