Jose Mourinho's guide to being a miserable bastard

HOLA, this is the Special One, Jose Mourinho and I’m here to teach you how be a proper miserable sod.

One word answers

Give one word answers to everything. Or you can just make a noise, a bit like a teenager does when they’ve been asked how everything was at school that day.

Scowl

Seriously, if you want people to know that you’re just generally annoyed all of the time for no real reason, just scowl at them. They’ll soon stop asking you to buy their stupid Big Issue magazine.

Play a defensive style of football that neither the fans or the players like

If you’re playing free flowing, attractive football then you might win games and make people happy. And who wants that shit? No, better to stay defensive, park the bus and maintain a just generally annoyed and quite spiky persona at all times.

Get beaten by Brighton

Getting beaten by Brighton would make anyone annoyed, so just remember when you wake up every morning to go into your bathroom, look in the mirror and say, ‘How the fuck did we lose to Brighton?’. That’ll set you up for a fun day of being in a pretty foul, stroppy mood.

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Man discovers you can just claim you went to Notting Hill carnival

A LONDONER has discovered that you can simply claim you went to carnival and everyone believes you.

31-year-old Tom Logan had previously attended Notting Hill carnival in person but this year decided to stay home but lie to colleagues, which he has confirmed worked brilliantly.

He said: “Nobody really knows what happens at carnival anyway, and they’re afraid to ask in case they look racist. So it’s foolproof.

“I mentioned dancing to the Mastermind Roadshow sound system and drinking warm Red Stripe and everyone just nodded, knowing that’s the kind of thing you do at carnival, and didn’t press me for further details.

“Jane in HR asked if it was busy this year and I vividly described the crush of bodies from other years, while remembering how pleasant it had been to be alone on my sofa.

“To make it sound convincing, I complained that the jerk chicken hadn’t been as good as last year. Which it wasn’t. Definitely one of the poorer M&S ready meals.”

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