Keane Resigns To Spend More Time With The Voices

ROY Keane resigned as manager of Sunderland yesterday to spend more time with the 26 voices that echo around the inside of his head.

Keane quit his post after advice from Sir Gerald Basketball, an invisible scientist who Keane has been having conversations with for over a year.

He said last night: "It was a difficult decision so I consulted everyone – Sir Gerald, Billy the Mouse, Arthur the African Astronaut, Edwin and Trevor the 20ft twins, and, of course, the floating ghost of Ernie Wise.

"Sir Gerald kept saying 'It's your duty Master Roy' while Billy the Mouse said I should hang on in case all the other teams exploded.

"Ernie was great. He was the one who told me to grow a beard so I would look like President Ahmadinejad of Iran."

Keane said this season's poor performances were not entirely his fault as for the last six weeks the team has been picked by a bottle-nose dolphin that pops up in his bath every Friday night.

He added: "You know it's time to go when you're taking selection advice from a dolphin with absolutely no Premier League experience."

The former Manchester United captain said he would now be taking some time out from football to concentrate on a demanding programme of electro-shock therapy.

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Other Authors Tell Rowling To Piss Off

JK Rowling was last night told to 'just piss off' by a group of fellow writers hoping to sell some books this Christmas.

As the Harry Potter author launched The Tales of Beedle the Bard, rivals insisted Rowling's lust for fame would not be satisfied until all the books in all the bookshops in all the world were hers and hers alone.

In a desperate bid to delay the next Potter-based cash machine, Nobel Prize winner Seamus Heaney broke into Rowling's Edinburgh home, smashing her computer keyboard, breaking all her pencils and using her A4 writing pads as toilet paper.

Angry-looking Scotswoman AL Kennedy said: "I spend 12 hours a day writing difficult novels about the intangible nature of loss and the hollowness of betrayal, but somehow she winds up with all the money."

Lesbian feminist Jeanette Winterson added: "The proceeds from this one go to help vulnerable children in eastern Europe. What sort of fucking chance does that give us?"

Critics were last night divided over the latest Potterisation. Stephen Malley of the Daily Telegraph hailed it as the 'best selling book this year' while Tom Logan at the Guardian said the book left him 'overwhelmed by the stench of stale urine'.

Potter-addict Julian Cook, 44, said: "It's a book of wizarding fairy stories given to Emily Watson by Robbie Coltrane – or possibly Alan Rickman – containing clues which help the lad with the glasses to destroy Ralph Fiennes. To be honest I prefer the films."