Kids playing football in park offer Ramos deal

SOME children in a park have offered to take Sergio Ramos, if Real Madrid agrees to take a chunky boy in wellies and Dean’s little brother who’s got asthma.

The Spanish defender is eager to leave the Bernebeu, and the kids said they were prepared to offer a temporary loan deal that would see the 29-year-old returning to Madrid after tea.

Nine-year-old Stephen Malley said: “Ramos is a top class centre-back who we believe could also play in the important ‘rush goalie’ position, if he brings his own gloves.

“He is also quite big, which means the older lads from off the estate will be less likely to kick our ball in the canal if he is here.”

Real Madrid manager Rapha Benitez said, “The fat boy’s wellies come off whenever he kicks anything and Dean’s little brother cries if you tackle him.

“If they want Sergio Ramos they are going to have to throw in numerous packets of Tangfastics.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week your friend will tell you they tried to load 500GB of porn onto a 300GB hard drive, which is way too much information.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
On Monday you add to the ‘Why I’m leaving London’ genre of article with your 800 words on extremely violent loan sharks.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The main reason you don’t want him to win is that ‘President Trump’ has been your nickname at home for years.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week, Boris taking his wife on the back of his wife sparks controversy in the office over whether it should be called a backie or a pagger.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Publishers reject the draft of your book on Sean Connery’s brother’s daughter on Thursday as it’s ‘Too niche’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
That waterproof mascara you bought is hopeless – it took 650 bottles of it to do the roof of your shed and it still leaks.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you’ll be unable to shake the image of Andy Burnham taking off his eyebrows at night and putting them in a little silver case.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you’re concerned that the weather might ruin this weekend’s barbecue, don’t panic – the lack of attendees will do that.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Sometimes, treating yourself might be something as simple as a nice bath or a takeaway. Other times it’s sackloads of beak and a room full of saucy doxies. 

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
A mixed reaction to your new tattoo as half your friends assume it’s a picture of Roy Hattersley and the other half ask when the dermatologist can get rid of it.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your excitement about your blind date tonight is tempered somewhat when they ask you whether you’re allergic to napalm.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
My first is in ‘unexpected’ but not in ‘redundancy’…