Kinnear Accidentally Calls Team 'Shitcastle'

NEWCASTLE United boss Joe Kinnear was left red-faced yesterday after accidentally calling his team ‘Shitcastle’.

With the club just two points above the drop zone and without a win in seven games, Kinnear said morale was low but he was certain that ‘Shitcastle United’ would avoid relegation.

Following Wednesday’s defeat at Manchester City, the manager told Sky Sports: “We face a tough couple of months after injuries to Michael Rubbish and Joey Criminal. We’re just lucky no-one has made a decent offer, as yet, for Shay Over-Rated.”

Kinnear then added: “It is difficult being the manager of Shitcastle. There’s a lot of pressure from the fans who look back on the days of Kevin Mental with so much pride.

“They remember players like David French-Ponce, Alan Tedious, Peter Steptoe-Face, and of course David Batty.”

Kinnear later corrected himself insisting he had a habit of mispronouncing names, adding: “I did exactly the same thing when I was manager of Wimblethugs, Luton Trounced and Nottingham Fuckwits.

“Sadly, this just smacks of a desperate attempt by me to finally get the sack.”

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Worthless, Ill-Informed Opinions In Every Home By 2012

EVERY home in Britain will have access to an endless stream of worthless, ill-informed opinions by 2012, under new government proposals.

The Digital Britain strategy, unveiled yesterday, will mean no-one will be able to hide from the jibbering mess cascading from blogs, chat rooms and inexplicable newspaper comment threads.

The drive for universal broadband comes amid claims there are still too many homes across the UK where people are forced to read books and have actual, fully-formed thoughts.

But from 2012 every consumer will be able to use the internet to pick up a random falsehood and weave it quickly and efficiently into their own offensively bizarre world view.

Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The technology is rather complex but basically what we're talking about is a big pipe full of nutcases shoved through your front door.

"Not only will you be able to gape in horror at their unsettling combination of wide-eyed naivety and poisonous bigotry, but you'll also be able to spit your own half-chewed mince back at them."

He added: "You will experience the joy of watching a perfectly harmless chat forum about Subarus degrade into a series of furious, expletive-filled exchanges about why everything these day is run for, and by, Jewish homosexuals."

Culture secretary Andy Burnham stressed the internet can also be used to order useful products, invade your privacy, manage personal finances and access millions of photographs of Swedish vaginas.