Lehmann celebrates win by fighting alligator

MIGHTY goalkeeper Jens Lehmann has marked his return to English football by fighting an alligator in his Gothic mansion.

Arsenal’s win keeps them in the title race but Lehmann punished himself for conceding a goal by insisting he tackle the nine-foot beast one-handed.

The bout took place in the Pit of Jens, an enormous amphitheatre in the depths of his castle where the goalkeeper commits himself to dangerous combat to test whether he remains a worthy foe.

Wenger said: “Jens always brings something special to the dressing room and this week it was an enormous oil painting of himself dressed as a Viking.

“He’s stood atop a pile of skulls that all look like Premier League managers and whenever you walk past it, it plays Rock You Like a Hurricane by Scorpions. It’s a challenging piece of art.”

Lehmann was released from Arsenal in 2008 after insisting the name on his strip be changed to ‘The Hawk’ and instructing his agent to negotiate a change in his contract requiring him to be paid in wild boar carcasses.

Wenger’s refusal led to Lehmann accusing the manager of dishonouring the memory of his forefathers and threatening to assemble a thousand-strong ‘army of conquest’ to storm the gates of the Emirates Stadium.

But after Manuel Almunia injured himself chasing a small child’s balloon around the pitch in the pre-match warmup, the German returned to competitive football for Arsenal with a commanding if erratic display that saw him booked for scything down one of his own defenders for ‘lacking the necessary Wille zur Macht‘.

Smearing his torso in blood, the goalkeeper, said: “Lehmann is pleased that we ride south for home triumphant but we may not rest with our wenches tonight as we must soon face a tricky away tie to Spurs.”



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Bank reforms to make it look as if something is being done

A PROPOSED shake-up of the UK banking system is to make it look as if someone is doing something about it.

The interim report from the Independent Commission on Banking sets out a series of recommendations based on their assumption that you and Vince Cable have no idea how any of this actually works.

Meanwhile the report has been given a cautious reception by the
British Bankers Association in what experts have described as an
insultingly transparent double bluff.

Nathan Muir, senior banking analyst at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “The central idea is that if a bank’s investment arm fails then ordinary people’s savings will be guaranteed and there will be no need for any more bail outs. But of course in 2008 deposits could have been guaranteed without protecting the investment arms anyway, which suggests they have come up with a solution for a problem which did not exist.

“At this stage you should feel free to start getting very suspicious.”

He added: “If an investment bank fails it starts a chain reaction of fucking things up quite tremendously, so the idea that everything will be fine because your little deposit is safe and snug in it’s fur-lined box is what we call ‘a lot of shit’.

“When that amount of money is lost it has to be replaced somehow, otherwise many, many other businesses will collapse. And the only guaranteed way of replacing it is to get it from the government and the only guaranteed way the government can get it is from… do you really not know?

“That’s right. And the reason you are the only guaranteed source of funding in the whole fucked-up system is because the government controls what we call ‘the police’.

“So the idea that these reforms will save taxpayers’ money in the event of a future banking crisis is like saying you will never get cancer because you always wear underpants.”

Muir said: “You see, the thing we’ve learned from all of this is that unrestrained free markets are not possible without big government.

“How fucked-up is that?”