Liverpool sticking with 'Uruguayan racism is really friendly'

LIVERPOOL’S defence of banned striker Luis Suarez will continue to be based on a strict interpretation of Uruguayan semantics.

Suarez has been banned for eight matches after what Liverpool described as a ‘cultural snafu’ between their striker and Manchester United’s Patrice Evra.

A spokesman said: “If he was Argentinean and he came out with that sort of unpleasantness we’d have kicked his buttocks all the way back to Buenos Aires.

“But Luis is Uruguayan and therefore not capable of what you think of as racism. In Uruguayan, the term ‘negro’ means ‘lovely friend’. Unfortunately not everyone speaks fluent Uruguayan.

“So, in fact, Luis was actually telling Patrice that because of all the shoving they were now ‘lovely friends forever’ and hoped that, at the end of the season, they could perhaps go on a fishing holiday together .

“And then he said it another nine times.”

The spokesman added: “And also, we are Liverpool. We are a lovely, cheeky, cuddly left-wing football club that takes everyone at face value and then makes a wonderful, pithy joke about our shared humanity.”

An FA spokesman said: “We’re assuming Suarez’s appeal will involve the Uruguayan ambassador and a group of indigenous tribes people playing unusual wind instruments. So that’s something to look forward to.

“In the meantime, it would be a lot easier if everyone just stuck to calling Patrice Evra an arsehole.”

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CNN 'can't remember' who gave away Piers Morgan's parking space

CNN last night said it had no recollection of who removed Piers Morgan’s name from his designated parking space.

The cable news giant said it remembered in detail the conversation that resulted in the chat show host losing his parking space but had absolutely no idea who it was with.

A spokesman said: “I remember saying ‘what if we just take his name off it? Do you think he’ll get the message and eventually just stop coming in?’.

“And the person I was talking to said ‘maybe, but we’ll also have to get everyone to pretend they have no idea who he is. If we do it really well then hopefully he’ll get very confused and start to wonder if he ever worked here and that maybe the last few months have just been a weird dream’.

“And then he said, ‘at that point he’ll go back to England and we can then hire someone who normal people actually want to watch on television’.

“And then I said, ‘good idea, Brian’ and we got a screwdriver from the janitor and went to the car park.

“I have no idea who Brian is.”

Meanwhile, experts are today studying footage of the Leveson Inquiry in a bid to pinpoint the exact moment Morgan assassinates his own reputation.

Forensic pathologist Roy Hobbs said: “There’s a moment in frame 12-74 where you can actually see the first rays of self-awareness crawl across the oily black landscape of his brain.

“The expression on his ‘face’ is like some Gothic subterranean creature seeing its ghoulish features reflected in a puddle for the first time.”

He added said: “At this point his head jerks back and to the left as the full weight of his mediocrity appears to strike him on the right temple.

“Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left.

“I could watch it all day.”