Liverpool victory just Raheem Sterling's dream

LIVERPOOL’S 3-2 victory against QPR only happened in striker Raheem Sterling’s sleeping mind, the FA has confirmed.

The Liverpool player was found curled up in a corner of his team’s net shortly after kick-off, snoring gently like a little dormouse.

Manager Brendan Rodgers said: “With these afternoon kick-offs, Raheem’s so excited all day that when the game starts he’s exhausted.

“He’d made himself a little nest from the netting and some thrown toilet roll, and nobody wanted to wake him to change ends so we called it a draw.”

The 18,000 spectators elected to remain in the stadium after play was abandoned, oooohing and aaahing as adorable expressions crossed Sterling’s face.

Liverpudlian Tom Logan said: “Look, he’s kicking his little legs and smiling. He must be dreaming that he’s created two winning goals in an extra-time thriller.”

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Honey Monster has diabetes

THE Honey Monster is suffering from type 2 diabetes, it has emerged.

Once the smiling face of Sugar Puffs, Honey Monster can now be seen injecting himself with insulin on the cereal’s redesigned box.

Honey Monster’s girlfriend Mary Fisher said: “He’s a 57-year-old marketing conceit and his hedonistic, sugar-heavy lifestyle is inevitably starting to catch up with him.

“While we all admire his commitment to the product, his hankering for the sugary cereal has become an addiction.

“We never talk any more, he only ever seems to talk to express a desire for more Sugar Puffs. Ten bowls are not enough for him.

“Last month he sold our bed on Gumtree just to get cereal.”

Fisher’s worst fear is that Honey Monster could end up like Cookie Monster, who was found dead in a seedy motel with a half a cookie clutched in his lifeless blue paw.

“It’s actually very irresponsible to brand a creature as being a ‘monster’ for a certain product, because then they try to live up to their own mythology – with tragic results.”