Man City to start trying again soon

MANUEL Pellegrini has warned Premier League rivals that sooner or later his side will start taking the competition seriously again.

After a half-arsed performance against Chelsea saw them lose 1-0, groundstaff at the Etihad Stadium couldn’t even be bothered to prepare the pitch properly for last night’s clash with Sunderland, which had to be called off.

Pellegrini, looking as ever like a kindly but relentless gumshoe in a seventies police procedural, acknowledged that his side had fallen short recently.

“The past couple of weeks have been full of distractions. First Flappy Bird came along. Then the Winter Olympics started. Then Flappy Bird went away.

“We were just getting our focus back when Shirley Temple died, and I gave the lads a day off training to re-familiarize themselves with her oeuvre.

“But I can guarantee that sooner or later, probably by March at the latest, we’ll go back to playing like the most expensive team in human history.

“What you have to remember is that football is really easy when you have all the money in the world. Like Flappy Bird on beginner mode.”


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Spite is main reason people support Conservatives

TORY voters are motivated mostly by spite, it has been claimed.

After an elderly lady antagonised relatives by leaving £769,000 to the party, lifelong Tories confirmed that their political allegiance was based on a desire to annoy others.

Lifelong Conservative Tom Logan said: “When the Great Dominatrix died last year, I treasonously wondered why I even bother voting Tory anymore.

“They’re economically incompetent and don’t pander to my homophobia as much as I’d like.

“But I keep doing it just to piss off the lefties.”

Political sciences lecturer Eleanor Shaw said: “We vote with others in mind. Conservatives think everyone else is out to shaft them so try and shaft them first.

“Labour voters are idealists who want to believe they’re doing good without going to any effort, so they vote for anyone with an attractive set of lies.

“Lib Dem voters just want to be noticed even if the attention they get is negative, much like a small boy urinating in his pants.

“And voting UKIP is the political equivalent of asking the police to arrest you before you hurt someone.”

The Conservatives’ next election campaign will work the spite angle, with the slogan “Just To See The Look On Miliband’s Face”.