Man expert in women's football after four days' dedicated study

A MALE football fan has read four day’s worth of coverage of the FIFA Women’s World Cup and is now an expert, he has confirmed. 

Stephen Malley aged 42, who decided to watch the summer tournament to support women, to battle sexism and because there is no other football on, is now offering punditry free of charge.

He said: “I’ve read all the Guardian’s comprehensive coverage. I’ve skimmed Wikipedia. I can identify at least five of the England players, so I think it’s fair to say that I know my stuff.

“Expect me to loudly critique Neville’s team selection, which is allowed because he’s a man, and to condescendingly enthuse the ‘quality really is approaching Championship level’.

“I’ll then get carried away with England’s chances and once they’re eliminated will act personally affronted before returning to ignoring all women’s football for four years. Or two. Do they have Euros?”

Friend Susan Traherne said: “I told him I fancied the home side, and he struggled for a minute to remember it was France.

“Keep in mind this is a man who said I didn’t really have the right to celebrate Chelsea’s Europa League win because I’d only been supporting them ten years.”

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Gove mad for beak

MICHAEL Gove is absolutely mental for gak, the white stuff, ching and nose crack, he has confessed. 

The environment secretary, who is in the running for Tory leader, admitted that every day begins with him bent over a mirror snorting fat lines of Peruvian flake. 

He said: “I’ve had a bump of sparkle in the Commons, during PMQs, on the front bench with the cameras on me. I don’t fucking care mate. 

“I’ve got a blow bill of hundreds of thousands a week. Rupert’s covering it, but keeping me in nosebag for the next month will be astronomical. 

“My wife Sarah’s holding a couple of bricks of yayo for me at the Daily Mail office now, in fact. So if there are no further questions?”