McCoist doomed to be Rangers manager for all eternity

AFTER unsuccessfully resigning, Ally McCoist has admitted that he has no idea how he can stop being Rangers manager.

An emotional McCoist handed in his notice only to be informed by grinning colleagues that he’d received a pay rise and a better parking space.

He said: “It was always going to be a very tough decision to quit the club I love, but I presumed it would be tough emotionally not logistically.

“I’ve tried being Rangers manager and I’ve tried not being Rangers manager and the two things are essentially the same.

“Even death will be no escape, they will find a way to trap my spirit in a jar.”

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Woman’s arty gift shop is a shrine to pointlessness

THE proprietor of a shop selling tasteful artisan gifts has realised it is all just so fucking irrelevant.

35-year-old Susan Traherne’s shop ‘Beeswax’ sells beads, enamel mugs with animals on, wooden board games and a host of other hand-made tat.

It also carries special stationary, lovely pencils and expensively-produced magazines with Maggie Gyllenhaal on the cover.

She said: “I thought I was creating a little cocoon of quasi-pastoral niceness that would promote local craftspeople while also bringing joy to customers who like nice things.

“But actually it’s just a load of fucking wank.”

Picking up a box of retro-style badges with images of 70s kids TV presenters on them, Traherne said: “Shit, shit, shit.”

Throwing the box across the room, she picked up a hat stand used to display knitted beanie hats and brandished it like a weapon.

She said: “Nobody else comes in here. I’m getting some cardboard together in a heap and then I’m going to burn it down.”