Sensitive men launch pathetic bid to feign interest in football

SENSITIVE men across England have embarked on a pathetic attempt to pretend to care about football.

As the World Cup begins there are high levels of concern among nice, intelligent non-football fans that to admit ambivalence would be like standing on a step ladder in the middle of the high street and screaming ‘Look at my vagina’.

English teacher Tom Logan said: “To me, football is nothing more than a massive PE lesson with the occasional violent assault thrown in.

“But if anyone asks, I’ll mutter something about how ‘I’ve always liked to watch the big games’ and that Leo Walnut should probably have been in the main team.

“This is mildly humiliating, but less so than being mauled by an entire pub.”

Stephen Malley, a father-of-two who was enthralled by the Leonardo sketches at the British Musuem, is indifferent to all sports and often ironically refers to football as simply ‘ball’.

He said: “In anticipation of the impending ball event, I have prepared the stock line ‘I’m really looking forward to the World Cup, I hope Liverpool win’. I’m confident this will ‘do the business’.”

He added: “‘I presume Kevin Keegan is still the best one?”

Meanwhile, Woody Allen fan Nathan Muir is concerned he may have overcompensated by having the St George’s Cross tattooed permanently on his face.

He said: “I thought it would be the best way to avoid hassle, but now I’m not so sure. I should probably get that Nick Hornby novel about the record shop that’s owned by a Tottenham supporter. I don’t suppose you know what a ‘corner’ is?”

He added: “When I go out I’ll probably just stay by the bar, and start cheering a fraction of a second after everyone else, when I’m sure it’s safe to do so.

“I’ll then shout something like ‘Sport is brilliant! As is the Queen!’. It’ll be fine.”

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NHS Hospitals 'Better Than Being Homeless', Claims Lunatic

SPENDING the night in an NHS hospital is better than living on the street, according to Britain’s most demented vagrant.

Christopher Dearlove said that NHS wards had the edge over a disused carpet factory teeming with rats and that hospital food is better than scraping something brown and sticky off the side of a wheelie bin.

Mr Dearlove, who has admitted himself fraudulently to six state run hospitals, was yesterday served with an antisocial behaviour order and told to stay well away from the NHS if he knew what was good for him.

Experts now predict that millions of people across Britain will apply for their own healthcare ‘asbo’ wristband, amid fears they could be knocked unconscious and treated by the NHS by mistake.

Claiming to be a fully qualified ‘Jesus Astronaut’ with solid gold telescopic legs and a bionic chin, Mr Dearlove added: “I know it must be really difficult for people to get their heads round, but I think what I enjoy most is the sense of danger.

“The thought that every time I am admitted there is a less than 20% chance I will come out of it alive. I suppose I’m a bit like one of those 1950s test pilots, but with dodgy bed linen and a pudding that looks like an aborted calf.”

But Julian Cook, a homeless man from north London, said: “The thought of spending the night in an NHS hospital makes me want to throw up the rather tangy, half-eaten tortilla wrap I had for breakfast.

“In my experience the NHS makes being homeless seem like a month at the Savoy. And that’s based on nothing more than a couple of minor outpatient treatments and the fact that I used to be head of thoracic surgery at Doncaster Royal Infirmary.”

He added: “By the way, this is the bathtub I’ve been sleeping in for the last six years. As you can see it is completely free from both MRSA and clostridium difficile.

“And I also use it as a toilet.”