Mourinho claims Old Trafford is haunted 

JOSE Mourinho has blamed his team’s poor home form on a vengeful ghost.

After failing to win at home in the Premier League since September, suspicions were starting to be raised that this was in some way connected the Manchester United manager.

Mourinho said: “The spirit looks like an angry little woman who jumps around the goal to stop the ball going in. And it keeps forcing me to play Rashford on the wing against my will.

“The players are absolutely 100 percent still on my side despite my frequent press conferences where I suggest their impropriety with livestock and invent colourful compound swear words to describe their mothers.

“But then the ghostly hag possesses their bodies and makes them play like it’s a PE lesson on the last day of term and it’s raining. It’s infuriating.”

Mourinho claims the kicked water bottle during yesterday’s match was further evidence of poltergeist activity at the ground. He has asked the Most Haunted team to review footage for tell-tale lens flares.

A series of expensive exorcists will be bought during the January transfer window to rid Old Trafford of the troublesome sprite, as well as investigate whether Paul Pogba has been whisked away to the spirit realm.

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Parents urged to stop telling kids to believe in Corbyn

TELLING children Jeremy Corbyn is real can cause serious trust issues when they eventually find out he doesn’t exist, it has been claimed.

It had long been believed that Corbyn, a kindly white-bearded man who gives children free toys for no reason, was a harmless childhood myth.

However Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Eventually they’ll have to find out that he isn’t real, and then what are you going to tell them? That it was all a lie to give them some false hope in a cold and unfeeling universe?

They’ll start asking whether Nigel Farage is real too and you’ll have to tell them yes, he actually is.

“You can still give them a new bike on the 25th of December if you like. You shouldn’t wrap it up for them though as that’s kind of a lie too.”

Seven-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “Corbyn, or Corba as he’s sometimes called, lives at the North Pole. Lots of elves help him in his toy warehouse but in a strictly non-hierarchical situation where any profits are channelled back into reindeer food.”