Mourinho's fat jibes 'must be part of a sophisticated mind game'

 

CHELSEA manager Jose Mourinho’s intricate, enigmatic mind games moved up another level when he called Rafa Benitez fat yesterday.

Analysts at Real Madrid are already poring over the comments, in an attempt to decode them before they cause the team to suffer a baffling loss of form.

Benitez said: “Mourinho is like a chess grandmaster, operating so far ahead of the rest of us that we only realise what he’s up to when we’re tangled in the wreckage.

“What could these rebukes about my diet possibly mean? Is my zonal marking too wide? Is he saying that a 4-3-2-1 formation is vulnerable to a false nine and wingbacks?

“Perhaps he’s trying to trick me that Ronaldo’s best is yet to come when he’s all over. Well, you don’t fool me, Mourinho.

“Ronaldo goes on the transfer list today, for the giveaway price of £1 million. The buyer? Chelsea FC.”

Mourinho said: “From where is this reputation? I cannot tell the cleaner she is sacked without her thinking I am trying to make her fulfil her true potential and go to law school.

“Benitez is fat. He’s fat, stupid and has a beard like a crop circle, and that’s all I wanted to say.

“Or is that just what I want you to think?”

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Bake Off gets spin-off series 'How Much Cake Can You Eat?'

THE BBC’s popular baking show is to be followed in the schedules by a cake-eating competition.

How Much Cake Can You Eat? pits six unusually greedy people against eat other as they enter the Great British Bake Off marquee and race to eat all the cake in it.

Competitors include housewife Joanna Kramer, who can eat an entire Swiss roll as if it were a normal sized chocolate bar.

She said: “My tactic is to smash up all the elegantly layered cakes with my fists, then cram the resulting mess into my mouth with both hands.

“My strengths include an unusually high tolerance to cream, although I’m hoping none of the cakes ahve raspberries in as they make my glands come up.”

Fellow competitor Roy Hobbs believes he can eat ‘an immense amount’ of cake: “At home we don’t eat anything but cake. I even make something called ‘cake drink’ which is cake that’s been in a blender.”

How Much Cake Can You Eat? will be justified by a token ‘popular science element’ in which competitors are hooked up to a machine that analyses the physiological effects of shitloads of butter.