Newcastle Alienate Remaining Fans With New Away Kit

THE Newcastle United board has decided to alienate its few remaining fans with a new away kit that looks like a boiled sweet made from urine.

The kit was designed by lifelong Sunderland fan Tom Logan, who said he spent weeks searching for just the right shades of yellow.

He added: "I wanted something that said 'piss', but combined both the pale yellow of a poor person who drinks too much with the dark yellow of a person who buys rich food that they can't really afford."

The kit will go on sale next week, priced to meet the value for money expectations of gullible, colour-blind halfwits.

Meanwhile the board hopes its latest move will constitute the final straw so the club can finally be wound down and sold off at a car-boot sale in Whitley Bay.

Chairman Mike Ashley said: "I'll be honest, at this point we're so brassic we're accepting Nectar Points and handjobs just to make ends meet."

He added: "It's been tough – re-employing Keegan, absurdly expensive season tickets, Dennis Wise – but this should finally enable me to flatten St James's Park and use the land for raising goats."

Defender Steven Taylor, who modelled the strip, said: "This is possibly the biggest tit I've felt since joining Newcastle, and I spend most of the season being dumped on my arse while the opposition hoof the ball into the roof of the net."

Newcastle fan Martin Bishop added: "I've followed the Toon since Jackie Milburn but if I go around wearing that, people will automatically think I've just escaped from a parade that celebrates alternative lifestyles."

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Dame Judi Dench To Host Charity Swearathon

ACTRESS Dame Judi Dench is to host this year's BAFTA Swearathon, it has been confirmed.

The event, now in its 23rd year, promotes awareness of dirty, filthy words and the people who say them, while raising much needed funds to protect old and endangered swear words like 'fuckle', 'arseclams' and 'Jeffrey Archer'.

Speaking at a press conference at the Theatre Royal, Dame Judi said: "I remember when I first read the script for Shakespeare in Love. It was marvellous of course, but I did feel the need to phone up the lovely Tom Stoppard and ask him why he had left out the word 'c**t'.

"'Tommy', I said, 'could you be an absolute darling and shove in a couple of c**ts and a titwank, just for me?'."

Dame Judi, Britain's most repulsively foul-mouthed actress since Olivia De Havilland, said: "This is such an important event for all of us who enjoy using words like 'fucknut', 'spunk-monkey' and 'dirty great pishflaps'.

"My dear friend Tom Hanks will perform a delightful Cole Porter duet with my other dear friend Gwyneth Paltrow, but he will change the lyrics so he can call her a 'simpering, minge-faced shitweasel'.

"My great friend James Blunt has very kindly offered to play some of his greatest hits, during which members of the audience will be encouraged to drown him out by screaming the word 'cocksucker' at him, over and over again.

"And my very dear friend Robert Carlyle will give us an expert demonstration of Glaswegian swearing. I'd be tempted to let the children stay up for that one."

Dame Judi added: "Fuck the lot of you, fuck you right up the shitter."